COLUMN: Shopping on the Black Market
It seems that our “one-stop shopping” is turning more and more into our “empty-wallet shopping,” nowadays.
And that’s just not right. One-stop shopping is supposed to be for our convenience and should cater to our lives full of student loans and minimum-wage jobs and lacking in scholarships. And, I’ll admit, at first they did. But unfortunately, it is becoming more difficult to be able to afford shopping of any kind.
Not that I have anything in particular against such one-stop shopping places like Wal-Mart. Any place that has a tire and lube service and an extensive fish aquarium selection in the same vicinity can’t be all bad. In fact, Wal-Mart is becoming so diverse in its shopping options that it is evolving from one-stop shopping to one-lifetime shopping.
It’s already happening, people. Have you ever gone to Wal-Mart and can’t help but think you’ve been seeing the same people there, over and over again? That’s because those people haven’t left. Think about it … What could the real world possibly offer that Wal-Mart doesn’t have? Can you blame them for not leaving?
Then again, those same people may simply be lost. Given the size of Logan’s Wal-Mart, I don’t think I’m going out on too much of a limb by suggesting it. I heard the location for the marathon in the upcoming Athens Olympics will be in the local Wal-Mart store (with mile marker 15 going past the deli section).
I recall once seeing a woman trying to find her way out of the store. To make sure she didn’t backtrack through the maze of aisles, she left a trail of toasters wherever she went. Unfortunately for her, the toasters were on clearance that day, so her trail never lasted long enough for her to make it out successfully.
I also remember one conversation I had in Wal-Mart with a guy who had a particularly long beard. He asked me what I thought about the U.S.S.R. sending those missiles to Cuba. Slightly confused, I informed him that the Cold War was over. He was so happy to hear it, he immediately stepped out of his Wal-Mart bomb shelter (on sale for only $10.95).
I predict that in the very near future, Wal-Mart will capitalize on this one-lifetime shopping feature and add apartments and town houses to the store. This is not just a step for business, but a step toward starting its own communities, provinces and countries. Wal-Mart will soon become a commonwealth of the world’s most powerful nations. You heard it from me first.
But until this friendly Wal-Mart world takeover occurs, we’re still stuck with scraping by financially on our own. Do not panic. I think with our focus on grocery stores, department stores and USU Bookstores, we are overlooking our best financial shopping option. What market could I possibly be referring to? Why, the Black Market of course.
The Black Market gives you excellent prices for almost anything you could ever want. Granted, it is mostly known for its illegal-weapon stockpiles, but I’ve seen more impressive weapons stockpiles at the squirt gun section in Toys ‘R’ Us. What people don’t realize is that the Black Market has an excellent variety of everyday items and even student products.
Take the textbooks you bought for your classes. You would think their pages were made of pure gold for the amount they cost you. In the Black Market, for the same books, you’ll barely be making a dent in your pocket change.
How can the Black Market afford this? Simple. Workers hand copy, word for word, illustration for illustration, every college book out there. What kind of workers do they get to do this? Only the most desperate, poverty-stricken and destitute people on this planet — you guessed it — undergraduate students.
Other products you may be interested in include food items. How about a college student’s staple diet — cold cereal? The Black Market offers it for almost free. How do they do this? Most cold cereals have a generic counterpart. The Black Market, however, produces a generic counterpart of the generic counterpart.
What about cheap cars? You bet. The Black Market’s vehicle line simply takes a Hot Wheels car, expands the dimensions and throws the motor of an old blender under the hood.
These are just a few of the items the Black Market offers. There’s no need to throw your money away. I suggest you visit your local Black Market affiliates today to help you fulfill all of your shopping needs. For more information, contact your local arms dealer or a convicted felon of any kind.
A fair warning, however. Be careful not to confuse the Black Market with the Purple Market. The Purple Market is just a cheap imitation of the Black Market. We wouldn’t want you sacrificing quality for cheap prices … you deserve to buy better.
Marty Reeder is a senior majoring in English education. Comments or Black Market success stories can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu.