The Preemptive Critics

‘Scary Movie 4’

I have a confession to make.

I can’t live this secret lie any longer.

I’m coming out of the closet.

I’ve seen all three “Scary Movies” and I’m going to go see “Scary Movie 4” on Friday.

There, I said it. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

While I may have publicly expressed an immense amount of hatred and loathing for the Wayans brothers and every movie they’ve done, I can’t keep up this charade any longer.

I watched “White Chicks.” I’ve seen “Blank Man.” I’ve memorized most of “Senseless.” I’ve got “In Living Color” DVDs and I clear my schedule every Tuesday night to watch “My Wife and Kids.”

And I don’t care who knows it.

I don’t care what you think anymore, Dad. Why can’t you just accept me for who I am?

I am a “Scary Movie” fan, but I’m a person, too.

I preemptively love this film.

-by Aaron Falk/acf@cc.usu.edu

‘The Wild’

Anytime a movie’s biggest draw is a talking koala getting racked on a chain link fence, it has my full attention.

I’ll be honest though, the fact that William Shattner is in this movie isn’t doing it any favors. I use that man’s last name as a swear word.

Most people are confused by the trailers for “The Wild,” because it’s way too early for a sequel to “Madagascar.”

Foolish mortals, it’s never too early. Especially when you look at it like a Hollywood bigwig, in which case this show is completely different because they’re looking for the lion’s son.

It’s like “Finding Nemo,” only more believable because it’s on land.

Then again, I’m more prone to believe “Nemo” because if you throw a lion, a giraffe, a koala, a squirrel and a python in an aquarium, someone’s going to get eaten.

Plus with colleagues like “Wild, Wild West,” “The River Wild” and “Girls Gone Wild,” people don’t go into a movie with “Wild” in the title expecting a riveting plot.

I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but the last time Kiefer Sutherland did a voice for an animated feature it was the “Land Before Time X.”

Give that a minute to soak in.

I preemptively hate this movie.

-by Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc..usu.edu