Column: Mr. Un-Athletic; Getting FAT the right way
With the arrival of spring comes the inevitable change in wardrobe from long pants and down parkas to shorts and T-shirts. For some, this is a glorious occasion – a chance to sport new duds. For many of us, spring style only reminds us of our failed exercise promise made in January.
You know the one I’m talking about. It’s the most popular New Year’s resolution: I’m going to lose weight this year by going to go to the gym three times a week and watching my diet. Things go well until February and then all hopes go out the window and it’s back to that bag of Cheetos that stared so forlornly at you from the cupboard all through January.
So what if you have a little winter fat? Bears hibernate and have the same problem, but look how fit they are by the time June rolls by. OK, bad example. If your early attempts at staying fit this year have failed there’s still hope. I believe one reason so many of these exercise regiments fail is because it’s such a hassle to go to the gym. Finding the time, getting ready and actually going to the gym can take a big chunk out of the day. Fortunately, I’ve developed what I like to call “Fitness Athletic Training,” or FAT for short. This program was developed to aid un-athletic people like myself.
FAT is a homemade exercise routine that will get you in shape without demanding lots of your time, and you can do these exercises without costly gym memberships. There are three exercises to the FAT program, but we won’t call them exercises because that’s a dirty word. Instead we’ll call them ‘turnovers.’ See, you’re already more motivated to get out there and workout.
TURNOVER #1 – Stair Hop
If you have ever lived on the fourth floor of an apartment complex, you know the pain and misery of hiking up those stairs. By the time you reach the fourth floor, you wish there was an oxygen mask there for you. Instead of cursing those stairs, take advantage of them. Start at the bottom of the staircase and hop up onto the first step, then repeat this until you reach the top of the staircase. Don’t stop to take breaks on the way because it will ruin the experience.
Try it out and I think you’ll be surprised at how good of a workout it is. Oh, and make sure you reward yourself with some sort of treat at the end of the workout. I’m a firm believer in being rewarded for doing ‘turnovers.’ Ding Dongs are always a good choice.
TURNOVER #2 – Pioneer Car Push
Here’s your chance to live that old phrase “I walked to school up hill both ways.” You’ll need an assistant and a car for this ‘turnover.’ Take the car to the bottom of Old Main Hill, then put the car in neutral. As your assistant steers the car, stand at the back of the car and start pushing the car up 700 North.
Sure, it’s a lot of work, but by the time you reach the top of the hill, you’ll have angered all the drivers behind you and worked up a good sweat. That’s sure to burn off more calories than running a mile. Oh, and if you slip, make sure you yell, “break!” or it’s a sure trip to the emergency room. Once again, reward yourself with a tasty treat.
TURNOVER #3 – Playing Chicken
This is the core ‘turnover’ in the FAT routine because it can be done every day as you walk to class. You won’t need help with this because there are plenty of people already in key position to help you play chicken.
I developed this routine out of necessity rather than by choice. It was forced upon me by those Lance Armstrong enthusiasts that zip around on their bikes like they’re going to win the next Tour de France. As these bicyclists are working to break the bike-land speed record, I always manage to end up in their path. There is that moment of fear as I envision the upcoming five minutes where I will have a new tire tattoo embedded on my forehead. When I snap out of that strange reverie, there is only a few moments before I get hit and I’m forced to play chicken with the bicyclist.
This is exactly the position you want to be in to do this ‘turnover.’ As you see a bicyclist heading your direction, step into their trajectory and engage their sight. (I pulled those words from Star Trek.) After you have done this, start to dance back and forth. This will agitate the bicyclist and make them start to swerve. This adds a challenge to this ‘turnover’ as both of you are now moving and you have to guess which direction the bicyclist will go in the end. By the time the bicyclist reaches you, you will have worked up a sweat and given your legs an unbeatable workout.
So, there you have it, the three steps of FAT. None of these take very much time or take you far from home. And the best part of all, after you finish each one, not only do you feel more fit, but your body still loves you because you’ve replenished it with sugar. Now that’s a workout!
Disclaimer: I would not recommend any of these exercises to anybody, except the first one. If you do so, you assume all responsibility and do them at your own risk.
Seth Hawkins is a sophomore majoring in public relations. To receive additional ‘turnover’ tips contact him at sethhawkins@cc.usu.edu