COLUMN: V-day in Singleville
It’s called a relationSHIP because sometimes sails smoothly and sometimes it looks like the “Perfect Storm.” Sometimes you have to bail out. Sometimes the wind leaves your sails and you are stranded. Sometimes you discover new things.
Sometimes you have to use the lifeboat. Sometimes the crew mutinies. Sometimes you feel sleek and fast, and sometimes you have to scrape off the barnacles.
Even though it is a state we all experience, we are as a society uncomfortable with singleness. Single people are the ones that have all the fun in the commercials but also turn out to be psychopaths in the movies.
It can be bleak out there in Singleville, especially on Valentine’s Day. No other holiday can time warp you back to adolescence faster than, “Will I get any cards?” “Should I give any cards?” “Roses, chocolates, underwear — how much is too much?” It’s a twisted irony that the symbol of Valentine’s Day is a disembodied heart with an arrow through it.
When you are young (an age I will not define) single simply means “not married yet.” As you get older (see above) single becomes synonymous with recluse, spinster, picky, bitter, hopeless, mysterious, loner and suspect. Women become “that lady down the street with all the cats.” Men become mail bombers and “that guy who talks to himself in the Laundromat.”
Sure, you say it can’t happen to you, but that’s what all defendants say. Weirdness doesn’t happen all of a sudden, it creeps up on you. Cannibals probably started off just biting their fingernails.
So maybe you’ve got a few alien abductions to go before you’re that insane, but how critically single are you? See if you fit the profile.
* Have you ever turned up the music in your house and set out several empty glasses so that when the Dominos pizza guy shows up with a large double pepperoni, it looks like you are having a party?
* Have your new underwear purchases ever coincided with the time at which you usually do laundry?
* You spend most of the weekend wearing pajamas? When people visit, you say, “Oh, I was just jumping in the shower.”
* Your bed has become your library. You put shelves on the headboard (Safety tip: During earthquakes they could knock you unconscious).
* The speed dial numbers on your telephone are labeled Chinese, Mexican and pizza.
* Your refrigerator contains more Styrofoam packing material than Amazon.com.
* You tell people that your career is the most important thing in your life, then you go home and watch endless reruns of “Friends.”
* You go ahead and buy that new DVD player instead of boring stuff, like a sofa, table and kitchen chairs.
* Buying more than two eggs or bananas requires menu planning.
* You consider joining a 12-step program just to meet people.
Not to worry, singleness is a transitory state. If so, now would be a really good time to start looking for a gift for that love bunny in your life.
Dennis Hinkamp’s column appears every Friday in The Statesman. Comments can be sent to him at slightlyoffcenter@attbi.com.