COLUMN: Giant horse is world’s largest hoax
Shocking, isn’t it?
One would think that if the advertised 19-hands, 3.5-inch horse named Radar traveled all the way to Logan from Texas, it would actually show up as a pretty big horse. Not only pretty big, but the world’s “tallest” living horse.
But as you can see from the photo, Texans must be darn good liars.
Either that, or Radar was measured by midget ranchers.
As I have at some point in the past stated, I am a tall fellow, standing at 6-feet-8-inches tall. Based on photographic evidence, this makes Radar around 6-feet-4-inches tall, but as you can see, he kind of slouches. Radar must suffer from scoliosis. Personally, I think he’s just lazy.
Lest we make too hasty a judgment, maybe there’s a secret that horse people use when they measure the height of their animals. All the advertisements have Radar measuring 6 feet 7.5 inches at the “withers.”
“Withers” is a rancher code word, meaning “somewhere on the horse – you pick.” So, as it would appear, measuring a horse really is bloody confusing.
But if you get the rancher drunk, you’ll soon find out way too much about a broken down truck, a sick dog and his ex-wife. But if you’re lucky, you might also find out that “withers” really means the highest bump area on the base of a horse’s neck.
If I were to measure horses … well, I would probably never bother, but it would make sense to measure the WHOLE horse.
I mean, if the “Guinness Book of World Records” came to my house to measure my potentially tallest horse, and at the withers it was actually taller than Radar, would the Guinness folks care that my horse has an unusually small head?
It’s kind of shrunken, like what you’d expect to see horse cannibals put on their mantle as prizes from their recent battle with the neighboring equine tribe.
Or would Radar with a normal-sized head still win?
OK, so I really don’t have a tall horse with a shrunken head, but this whole “tallest” claim sure seems fishy. I think Radar is a sham, a hoax, a prank or “fill in your favorite synonym here.”
OK, so I’m kidding about the whole hoax thing. By the way, the photo caption’s asterisk is further explained here:
* Objects in photo may be larger than they appear.
So, to finally tell the truth, yes, Radar, the giant Percheron draft horse, is the world’s tallest horse. And since I’m the world’s tallest Statesman columnist, I just had to drive down to C-A-L Ranch and see the beast.
While I was at the store, I discovered a few interesting facts:
1.) Radar is a brown horse.
2.) Radar is a tall horse.
3.) I have no idea how tall regular horses are.
4.) Under no circumstances would my butt ever look good in a pair of tight Wrangler jeans.
But above all other discoveries, I was shocked to see signs everywhere saying, “Caution – horse will bite.” Apparently, this giant horse has developed a taste for human flesh.
So beware of Radar, the world’s tallest man-eating horse!
No, I’m just joking. Actually, Radar only likes to eat kids. They’re less stringy and don’t hit back as hard. It’s amazing what kind of detailed information I got from Radar’s owners.
If you do ever get a chance to visit Radar, go ahead and take the kids; it is safe. Besides, they’ll probably forget the whole experience anyway because Radar is a boring horse. All he has going for him is height.
He just stands there all day like he’s in a coma. I’d venture a guess at a drug problem, but then I’d be making up way too many things about a stupid horse.
If you missed Radar’s visit to Logan, don’t worry, he’ll be back in Utah in two weeks at the C-A-L Ranch stores in Farr West and Spanish Fork. I recommend a visit – it’s fun!
I also recommend sticking around a while, because you might just catch a glimpse of those midget rancher hands.
Garrett Wheeler is a second bachelor’s student in technical theatre design. Send any comments or column ideas to wheel@cc.usu.edu.