COLUMN: Back top the basics: football for dummies
Football is like war – with a ball.
This is the most basic explanation that can be given on how the game of football is played. For years I’ve heard a common complaint from many women about how much they hate football and can’t understand why we males can sit in front of a TV for three hours watching grown men grunt and hit each other. They find it repulsive. It’s strange that women find football so foreign, because the day-after-Thanksgiving sale involves the same repulsive elements, except that it’s women grunting and tackling each other.
Seriously, I believe the real reason most women don’t like football is because they don’t understand the game. Being the peace-loving man I am (and because I want my fiancée to accept my football addiction) I am going to explain in a nutshell how football works.
The basic goal of football is to score as many points as possible. But this simple objective is easily complicated, as there are three different scoring point values in football. A touchdown is worth six points and qualifies the scoring team to attempt an extra point. The team can score this extra point by kicking the ball through the yellow uprights (they look like Y’s on those old green-screen computers), thereby adding one point to their score, or the team can try to get the ball into the end zone again – thereby earning two points.
The next way to score is called a field goal. This is achieved by kicking the ball through the uprights (giant Y’s) and earns the scoring team three points. The final way to score is called a safety. A safety occurs when the defensive team tackles an offensive player with the ball in their own end zone. A safety earns the team two points.
I’ll give you a moment to pull out a calculator to add all this up before we proceed.
A football game is started by team A (comprising 11 players) kicking the ball to team B. Team B then catches the ball and runs the ball toward their end (the painted area at the end of either end of the field) to try to score. Usually the runner doesn’t get too far before he is tackled. Once a player is tackled, the play is over. Team B now has four chances, called downs, to move the ball up the field and potentially into the end zone to score.
Team B wants to move forward the maximum amount of yards possible on each play. Team B can move up the field by running the ball or passing the ball. If team B can move the ball forward 10 yards, they get another four downs to attempt to score. Team A’s goal is to stop team B from moving the ball forward and from scoring. They do this by tackling the player with the ball. See, it’s not as barbarous as many think. Women on the day after Thanksgiving sale will tackle each other over Tickle-Me-Elmos. Who’s brutal now?
So now that we know what team B is after, let’s talk about team A for a minute. Team A is trying to prevent team B from scoring. Does this sound like a complicated story problem to anyone else?
Anyway, let’s assume team A prevents team B from advancing the ball forward enough to get a first down (a new sequence of four downs) or from scoring, and now it’s fourth down. Team B can’t really score and they can’t get a first down easily. At this point, team B will punt the ball to team A. Punting is a fancy term which means “anybody want a Coke” in Swahili and simply “to kick the ball” in English. Team A catches the kick and now has the chance to try to move the ball up the field and score points.
The game goes on in this fashion until time expires. Officially, a football game only lasts an hour of total playing time, comprised of four 15-minute quarters and one half-hour halftime. Even though the time adds up to one hour, the game lasts much longer because the clock often stops after certain plays and penalties. Since this article is designed to explain football in a nutshell, we won’t go into those different penalties. After all the clock stops, a one-hour game can easily turn into a three-hour masterpiece of sporting genius.
So, there you have it: football in a nutshell. Sure, there’s much more to the game, such as knowing the different player positions, penalties and strategies, but with this knowledge any woman can confidently watch a football game and have at least some idea of what’s going on. And if that doesn’t work, there’s still the day-after-Thanksgiving sale to get that thrill of watching adults hit each other.
Seth Hawkins is a sophomore majoring in public relations. Comments and little boxes of chocolates can be sent to him at sethhawkins@cc.usu.edu.