COLUMN: How a country becomes a farce
It’s been said humanity is civilized. I beg to differ.
If television shows like “Survivor,” “Desperate Housewives” and “American Idol” weren’t enough proof of humanity’s lack of ethics, morals, brains and common sense, a quick channel change to C-SPAN will make you want to regrow that tail and climb back in the trees.
At least monkeys are smart enough to know that throwing food at one another is a sign of affection. My wife still gets mad at me for tossing apples in the house, though.
For those of you who have never ventured past the MTV channels on TV, C-SPAN is a station that plays nonstop coverage of government activities, be it the Senate, House or politicians handing lollipops to babies.
It is the ESPN of politics but not nearly as entertaining. It is arguably the driest, dullest thing on Earth. It makes Deuteronomy seem like a rave.
As near as I can tell, C-SPAN is an acronym that stands for Corruption – Senate Promotes Apathy Now. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s what John Adams originally had in mind for the full name of Congress, but the Latin was too hard to figure out.
The other day, I was flipping through the channels and stumbled across C-SPAN. Instantly my spinal cord started to strangle me, and I had the strangest thought: If aliens were ever to monitor what happens in America before visiting, what would they know about our political system?
Whoa, deep thought, I know. I hurried and changed the channel, but the thought has persisted.
Seriously though, what if aliens only received proceedings on C-SPAN, CNN, FOX and MSNBC? For starters, they would have no idea what the United States Constitution actually says, besides vague references to this mysterious document that all the people in charge of the country seem to ignore.
They would be convinced that some guy named Barack Obama is the supreme chancellor of this sector of the galaxy and that in order to appease him, one must go into a trance and chant “Yes, we can” in as many languages as possible in 30 seconds.
Aliens would be confused by this because they’d also learn of another guy named George W. Bush, who is supposed to be the president of this country. After hearing Bush speak, they’d seriously wonder how a civilization advanced enough to create broadcasts could be led by a man who mispronounces and misuses half the words he says.
As for how the government is actually run and operated, the aliens would be completely perplexed. They would learn that the president is in charge, but the vice president is the one that has power to shoot people on hunting trips and to do whatever he wants on the side with no consequences.
They would learn about a body of lawmakers called Congress. In order to make an idea a law, members of Congress have to get together, argue about nothing for a long time, let their lawyers draft up complicated bills that none of them bother to read and then argue some more.
In order for any bill to become a law, the aliens would assume it must include at least $1.6 billion of extra spending– courtesy of the American people–for items that aren’t even remotely related to the purpose of the original bill.
Then the bill goes to the president to get signed into law. But it takes a while to do this because the president is too busy having affairs with his interns to worry about a bill.
The aliens would also assume members of Congress and the president have massive money spending habits because when they aren’t arguing with each other and lying to the people, they’re busy spending money to get re-elected by the people they steal from.
Somehow, the American people fall for the lies and keep electing idiots to run the country, which would absolutely confuse the aliens.
They would continue observing to make sense of the whole mess and would watch as irresponsible members of Congress allow the economy to collapse and then make things worse by trying to spend money that doesn’t exist to bail everything out.
After wrapping that up, confusion would evolve into pure bewilderment when these members of Congress go back to worrying about baseball players using drugs – something they consider a veritable matter of national security.
The aliens would roll their eyes and think, “Geez, no wonder these people haven’t figured out how interstellar travel works.”
While watching an hour of CNN worshiping a lady called the speaker of the house, they would realize this is the Sith Lord they’ve been looking for all these years. OK, I know I’ve used that before, but I’m hoping one day an alien will actually read my column and do something about it to restore balance to the force.
After years of watching this nonsense, the aliens would get together and compare notes about what they have learned from television broadcasts about the United States political process.
1. This society is not civilized and should not be treated as such.
2. The American people fall for the dumbest lies.
3. Obama is the only hope for the salvation of this world and all people should be indebted to his greatness and glory.
4. These people need psychiatric help to get over their Obamamania.
Finally deciding they must visit the planet itself to get a better understanding, the aliens would stumble upon a discarded copy of the Constitution. After reading it, they would understand how America should really work and realize that it was only after years of ignoring this document that the people came to be in such a horrible predicament.
Oh, and they’d rescue their Roswell buddies as well. Seth Hawkins is a senior majoring in public relations who hopes the aliens don’t judge our intelligence as a species off MSNBC. Comments can be sent to him at seth.h@aggiemail.usu.edu.