COLUMN: Celebrity couples I want to see date
We’ve all been there on the couch, watching “The Breakfast Club” on a foggy Friday evening. We get to the scene near the end when Claire, the redhead prepped-up prima donna, kisses Bender, the ever-noticeable school bully, in a back-room closet, encouraging Bender to irritatingly look at Claire and inquire “Why did you do that?” Claire then glances at him and replies with the much quoted words, “Because I knew you wouldn’t.”
As this presses on, we sit admiring, a little heart-warmed, and many a tad disgusted by the giant load of lovey-dovey-mush-cheese we just witnessed. No matter what our feelings on the moment, we are all riddled with the same question, “Gee, what would it be like if Judd Nelson and Molly Ringwald actually dated?”
Nobody really knows why, but we as a general public go absolutely gaga over the “who’s with whom” of the celebrity-dating scene (note – if any of my readers comment online to the previous sentence with any form of a Lady Gaga reference I will find and attack you faster than “Zaboomafoo” was taken off the air.)
It seems an endless supply of our lives is under siege by the ever-desired knowledge of secret resort weddings, red carpet sightings, and thousands upon thousands of intermixed couples’ nicknames found on the right side of page 35 in “Us Weekly.”
With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I just felt I couldn’t leave this subject alone. Well, my four readers, as I’m sure you guessed, I think I feel an opinion-based Top Five list coming on!
5 – Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal – This choice is pretty basic. I mean, could there be a more adorable romantic comedy duo than found in “When Harry Met Sally?” Better yet, could there be two more emotionally type-casted actors to be bound in matrimony?
It would be as reliable as Travis Pastrana jumping a building in a type of motor vehicle we’ve never heard of, with every conversation taking on the same outline. First Billy is like, “No wait, I have a whacked-out theory about this!” Then Meg is like, “No, Billy, I mean doesn’t it just feel right? Isn’t it all about … love?”
Then Lorraine, the coffee shop waitress, walks in and Billy asks her about the situation and Lorraine is like, “I agree with her, ‘cause I always agree with the lady in these movies. Should I top off your cranberry juice?” The useless, flirty, logical banter would be endless.
4 – Optimus Prime and the Power Ranger Megazord – This isn’t so much a relationship as it would be a “merger.” C’mon, think of how cool it would be if these two monster robots teamed up. One could fight real-live crappy looking foes the world over, and the other could fight CGI-animated crappy looking foes the world over.
They could rule the animation world, and the powers that be, by sheer force. I know this choice was very non sequitur, but that’s the whole reason y’all still read my stories after a semester and four weeks, anyway, isn’t it?
3 – Zac Efron and Kristen Stewart – I’m just playing with ya. I’m pretty sure we’re all sick of these two by now.
2 – Meg Ryan and Shaquille O’Neal – Who wouldn’t love to see the dynamic duo of Anastasia and Kazaam together in romance? The reason for this relationship go on for miles. The height difference, for starters. One plays basketball and the other, if positioned correctly, could be a basketball. The awesomeness of “Mequille” as a mixed couples’ nickname.
Meg competing in “Shaq vs.” in the category “Being in movies with Tom Hanks.” Not one bystander can look me in the eye and say they wouldn’t love to see these two together. Not to mention that it kind of has to happen, because Shaq and Billy Crystal would just be awkward.
And finally …
1 – Babs and Buster Bunny (and this time, YES relation!) – Ever since I learned these two weren’t a couple I dreamt of a beautiful day when they would finally come together. It’s so perfect: one is pink and the other blue, one has an inner raspy voice and the other one a voice akin to Lisa Kudrow when she isn’t on “Friends.”
They could sit warm by the fire and eat from the same organic carrot – having their first 600 babies while Donny Osmond stands by singing, “and they called it … bunny love!” Here’s to wishing, hoping, even praying these two waskaly wabbits come to their senses, stop denying themselves and see the truth that they are, now and forever, so much in love. Not to mention hoping Elmira is the minister at the wedding.
A happy Valentines Day to all, and whether it’s the bonding of celebrities or getting through relationships of your own, please remember this one lesson: be sure to get some heart shaped sweet tarts. No real reason, those things are just friggin’ delicious.
– steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu