COLUMN: A new look at President’s Day
Psh…
Confused by my indifferent greeting? I understand if you are.
In short, I awoke on Monday morning alert, refreshed and ready for, at least what all signs pointed toward, an adventure. I got dressed, turned on some Tone Loc (because nothing matches a massively productive day like some “funky cold medina”), and took a deep breath. Everything seemed to come up roses, until my close friend sent me a simple, yet droning, text that all but put me into a whirlwind of complacency.
“Happy President’s Day!”
Good gravy, people. Are we really going to go out of our way to acknowledge one of the most useless holidays – literally a 9.6 out of 10 on the “Lame-sauce” Scale – in modern American history? Call me cynical, but I want no part in a holiday that claims to honor the life of all presidents in a month that holds the birthdays of two of them.
Call me when you’ve concocted a plan to celebrate Martin Van Buren, or possibly Grover Cleveland. I just feel like some holidays get more undeserved play while others simply get the shaft. I mean, lets be real, does anyone REALLY know what Flag Day is all about? Could anyone nearby tell me what day Canadian Thanksgiving falls on? Heck, when I was a kid I thought Groundhog Day was just a movie starring Bill Murray.
Personally, I think it’s time for an evaluation, which is why it’s list time again. Without further ado, I give you the top three holidays that need to stop, and the top three holidays that deserve more attention (Ha! Weren’t expecting a double feature, now were you?).
Holidays that must stop
3- Columbus Day – Friends, this is pretty cut and dry. I can reason this with a simple question: What exactly did Christopher Columbus do that was so important? I’ll wait for your response…
Let me guess, you’re as stumped as most people are when wondering why they just watched “Weekend At Bernie’s” aren’t you? Every elementary school textbook told me this three-cornered hat wielding menace “discovered America,” yet all I can conjure from his journey was he ended up in Florida, whilst aiming for the East Indies mind you, in three ships named from a Rage Against the Machine song.
I’ve never seen such admiration for crappy geography skills since “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.” We can take at least two things out of this holiday: a day free of school and the pure knowledge that nothing good ever happened in 1492.
2- April Fools Day – I’ll be brief here. To those who avidly celebrate this holiday: Stop downplaying things for the rest of us pranksters. Who’s to tell me which day I have to cover our toilet in Saran wrap just before my roommate uses it?
April Fools Day faintly resembles an episode of “The Nanny.” They try too hard, while we giggle at the wrong parts and never seem to get the joke. The only credit-worthy prank on such a predictable holiday: get someone to believe it’s Thanksgiving.
1- Christmas – Alright, alright. I understand I’m going to get a Weiner-mobile full of flack for this, but please let me explain. I have no problem with family traditions, winter festivities, or even the commercial aspect of the holiday. There just happens to be an issue with the day that can’t be overcome: Christmas is the crux to some of the worst theme-based movies of all time. A quick list of movies should make sense of this.
• “Jingle All the Way”
• “I’ll be Home for Christmas”
• “Santa Paws”
• “Sharkboy and Lavagirl”
• And finally, “Santa Defeats the Martians”
This is just a morsel of terrible films given us by this putrid cinema-spewing machine we call our Yuletide Celebration. There is only one process to save us from such a wicked parasite: less eggnog, more David Bowie. Now go make it happen!
Holidays That Need More Attention
3- Boxing Day – This holiday definitely deserves more respect, but it does come with one condition. In order to make this festival more desirable, I feel it best that we alter the holiday by actually making it about professional boxing.
Think about it: Sparring gyms the world over would be chalk full, floods of people skipping in the streets humming to the sole Boxing Day carol “Down Goes Frazier,” and children going to sleep every night in cheerful hopes of a gift-laden visit from Evander Holyfield. ‘Tis the spirit of the season. Here’s to a merriest Boxing Day this December to all.
2- Christmas in July – This is obvious, in order to appease the masses we have to put Christmas somewhere. I’m no Philistine. Besides, it’d be fun to see what Santa looked like in Chacos. Don’t tell me you’ve never envisioned it.
1- Steve Schwartzman’s Birthday – Hey, this is my weekly column! I deserve some positive play every once in a while. And not that you have to, but it’s in December and I was hoping for Super Bowl tickets, so this oughta give you some time to save up.
Well, there you have it. So I’m not really sure how to end this, I’ll just say the first president’s name that pops into my head. Chester A. Arthur.
– steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu