GEEK BEAT: Carnivorous plants are the next step

When I first came to USU, it blew my mind that we had an entire college devoted to agriculture.

Don’t be offended; I was overwhelmed by the whole college thing and my mind was blown a lot. Every time I saw a bra in the laundry room of my dorm, boom- there went my mind, blown.

My freshman mind thought, “Growing things isn’t hard; I grow stuff in my shower without even trying.”

But I was young and easily distracted. A few days later, I saw a girl cook brownies in the microwave and my mind was blown all over again.

But recently I’ve started thinking about the College of Agriculture again. I still don’t get it.

It’s my fault.

I’ll admit I don’t know much about farming, but of course that’s never stopped me from talking about a subject before.

Despite growing up in Idaho, my only experience with agriculture was a service project at a potato farm where we picked excess potatoes for the homeless.

Mostly, though, we just threw them at each other’s heads, for the homeless.

I like farmers. They make food – which I’m a fan of – and they invented the blow that bares their name. The farmer blow remains, to this day, the most effective and efficient form of booger removal.

I’m also a big fan of their tan, which I sport today.

Like everyone, I know when the whole world goes to crap farmers will be the only ones with food. Guys like me will be stuck eating tasty HTML markup. Mmmm … bold tags.

So I decided it was time to do a little research and learn the truth about agriculture and the college thereof.

Keep in mind while I’m telling this story, “research” and “proof” are very subjective words that should be read with an open mind.

For the record, so are “guilty” and “crimes against humanity/nature.”

It turns out the College of Agriculture is working to improve the crops grown around the world.

Now that we as a species have created such horticulture masterpieces as seedless watermelon, tangerines and Twinkies, is there really anywhere else we can go with farming?

I don’t know, but I know what they should do.

I thought of it when I saw that show the “Little Shop of Horrors” (I thought it was “Whores,” don’t ask) and combined what I learned from it with what I’ve learned from Mario and it hit me.

This is what USU needs to put us on the map: Giant, meat-eating plants.

There is it. I just blew your mind. No underwear involved.

Think of the possibilities of such a product. Since we are what we eat, it only follows that if we feed one of these right, we’d have fruit that tastes like bacon.

Farmers would save a bundle on scarecrows.

It’s not just the agricultural advantages that excite me. Imagine the home applications. It would be the ultimate pet for guys like me.

I’m bad with plants. I’m bad with animals. But since two negatives make a positive, a plant/animal thing would be perfect.

I’d keep it outside during the summer and snuggle it for warmth in the winter.

I would name something fittingly threatening like Boaz the Destroyer or Mr. Watson (after my junior high vice principal).

They best thing about a 4-foot tall intelligent carnivorous plant is it would basically take care of itself.

When I forget to feed it, it could just rely on its natural photosynthesis. If I forget to water it, it could just drink the blood of the innocent. Everybody wins. Except the innocent, but they’re used to losing, because they’re losers.

So Ag students, if you’re reading, stop wasting your time making soybeans that are more resistant to infection and make something the world could really use: plants that will eat the neighbor’s annoying dog.

You’ll be glad you did.

Geek on.

Steve Shinney is senior in computer science and is banned from the local nursery. Comments and questions can be sent to

steveshinney@cc.usu.edu.