The Preemptive Critics
“Fearless”
As far as last hurrahs go, it seems that modern martial arts marvel Jet Li is opting to go out with a bang. Or rather, a flurry of lightning-fast punches, kicks and wire-fu acrobatics of the finest caliber.
Based loosely upon the life of renowned Chinese martial artist Huo Yuanjia, “Fearless” unites Lee with famed Chinese director Ronny Yu for a tour de force of visual fury so epic it should make kung fu aficionados everywhere wet their Bruce Lee replica jumpsuits.
Li’s reportedly final turn in a martial arts film will have the fierce brawler combating the greatest fighters in China and opponents from the far reaches of the globe.
And if the film’s supercharged trailer is any indication, “Fearless” certainly won’t be spineless, with more breathtaking blows per minute than the number of words that will eventually round out the film’s subtitle count.
I preemptively love this movie.
By Mack Perry/mackp@cc.usu.edu
“Jackass 2”
Years ago, while everyone who knew anything about school was busy studying, my freshman roommates and I invented a game called “Crotch Destroyer.”
We weren’t much for creativity, but what the game lacked in a clever name it more than made up for in its vulgar display of testosterone gone terribly wrong.
Since those days I have heard from others of similarly themed games like “Let it Land” and the terribly titled “Throw the Football at The Other Guy’s Man Parts.” This week I heard of another variant: it is called “Jackass: Number Two.”
This movie improves on Crotch Destroyer by adding charging yaks, upset anacondas and fire hose rodeo.
All of this reminds me of those halcyon freshman days. And, while the freshman me was bold enough to play eight back-to-back rounds of crotch destroyer and would probably, had he been given the chance, allowed himself to be blindfolded and charged by a yak, he had a hard time grocery shopping, getting dates and boiling water.
“Jackass: Number 2” is the kind of movie that makes me glad I’m not eighteen anymore. And maybe it’s presumptuous of me to assume that Johnny Knoxville and company would have grown up, too, but they haven’t.
And for that I preemptively hate this movie.
-By Zach Pendleton/zpendleton@cc.usu.edu
“Flyboys”
Because Hollywood has waited until now to make a major action film about World War I and the American school system is a sham, I will now present everything I know about the Great War.
Even though there were Germans there were no Nazis.
No Nazis means no Nazi-super-ninja soldiers.
It was still cool though because there were zeppelins and wooden planes.
It takes balls of steel to fly a wooden plane.
Snoopy made it look easy but that’s because he sort of cheated and used a dog house instead of a plane.
It still counts because dog houses are made of wood.
It was supposed to be the war to end all wars.
It wasn’t.
America soldiers were refered to as Doughboys, a nickname that causes British school children to giggle when they study history (this is of corse assuming their education system is not a sham).
Killroy was there.
So as you can see, I need this movie. I didn’t even know that Jean Reno was French until I saw the trailer.
For teaching me history through war violence and mild (historically accurate I’m sure) sexual content, I preemptively love this movie.
-by Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu