COLUMN: Extinction of the man’s man
It’s a story we’ve all heard
Boy meets girl
Boy likes girl
And then…
There’s where the story has changed.
Before the days of ipod’s and text messaging young men would actually court young ladies. He would show up at her door grateful for the chance to take her out and spend the night hoping to win her approval and the chance for a second date, when the cycle repeats itself.
Courting used to be a process for the man to show the girl that he was worth it, that he had something special to offer and there was a reason she should choose to spend her time with him rather than some other guy who many come along.
Today, courting has become nothing more than a necessary step on the way to eternal matrimony. Men ring the doorbell and consider their part of the deal done. They have the attitude of, I asked her out and showed up (pretty close to on-time). She’s with me so she should be happy. Now it’s her turn to show me what I get in return. Obviously, this idea must have been started by a man who was severely unhinged but for some reason, more and more men are adapting this line of thinking.
I recently met one of these men. I sat there and listened to how frustrated he was at how the girls he was dating weren’t doing enough for him.
“They don’t do anything for me, I’m always the one taking them out, spending my money and doing things for them. They don’t take me out or buy me things and sometimes I don’t even get action at the end,” he said.
I couldn’t help but laugh out loud when he was complaining to me about how hard his life was. “That’s called dating,” I said.
I tried to explain to him that dating is not an equal playing field. Dating is the time for the man to “whoo” the woman he would like to pursue a relationship with, it’s his turn to earn her affection and attention, not the other way around. In a dating relationship, the female owes the male absolutely nothing except for sincere courtesy and gratitude. This is not to say that women are not expected to put forth any effort or contribute to the relationship at all. She owes it to him to tell him if she is interested or not, to be polite, honest and kind, but the bulk of the responsibility lies with him.
Although a man should never stop dating his bride, marriage is when the playing field becomes equal and the two members become a team. Too many men are skipping the courting phase when he has his chance to sweep his woman off her feet and immediately expects her to grab the broom instead. There are two known causes for this problem.
The first one, is that too many men want to get too serious too quickly. I used to think this was only a girl’s problem until recently. Men want the same sense of security that comes from a marriage that girls do, but they look for it too much and expect it too soon. You’ve got to earn that love and security, not just take it.
The second reason is too many men have developed a sense of entitlement. I give her something, I should get something in return. This sense of expected reciprocity may be an OK rule at school or work but in dating all the rules change.
In fact, there are very few rules or guidelines that can be used in dating. Every girl is different and every relationship is unique. Even the word chivalrous, which comes from a code of knighthood, is not defined. The code was never actually written down. Although the code of knighthood was never written down, and the code of dating was never defined there are still a few rules of each that have held true through the years.
In war, the chivalrous knight was idealized as brave in battle and loyal to his king. In dating the man should stand up for his lady and remain loyal to whoever he is on a date with at the time. The knight should be willing to sacrifice himself for the lord or king, the man should be willing to sacrifice a little bit of his pride, time or money to show his lady that she is the most important thing to him at that time. Above all, the knight was to be gracious and gentle, that has not changed. Most men have forgotten most of the code, but most women have not.
So men: remember the code, remember that whoever your sweetheart is, whoever you got your eye on, you are lucky to be with her, and she deserves to feel like it. She deserves to have the best you can offer, if you want to be her prince, make her feel like your princess.
And women: be curteous to those who take you out, remember that if you want to treat you like a lady then act like one. Above all, don’t try to change him. If he doesn’t treat you the way he should, don’t try to teach him how. If he doesn’t know how to do it on his own, find someone who does.
Boy meets girl
Boy likes girl
And then…
It’s up to you.
Pass it on.
Emma Tippetts is a senior majoring in print journalism and law and consitutional studies. Special thanks to Staker. Questions and comments can be sent to
etippetts@cc.usu.edu.