GEEK BEAT: Milton and/or Bradley ruined my life

I hate boxes.

Really, they are the bane of my existence. I can trace every aspect of my life that has failed to a box somehow.

My body has gone to crap because they sell Swedish Fish by the box.

My social life has gone to turd because of the X-Box.

And right now I’m poorer than really poor dirt because everything I learn about fiscal responsibility I learned from the boxed game, Monopoly.

This is weird to me. I’ve learned all kinds of things from board games. Someday I’ll owe my career as a homicide detective to Clue. I learned everything I know about fire safety from Chutes and Ladders. I should be a freaking admiral based on my success in Battleship.

You’d think I’d be a financial genius from all the Monopoly I’ve played.

Alas, I’m not.

I do make enough money for the essentials, rent, a car and “The Mummy” box set (those darn boxes got me again) but I can’t afford all the other things I’d like, such as three meals a day and pants that don’t have big holes in the crotch so big you can drive a train through it.

So to protect everyone from making the same mistakes, here are lessons that you shouldn’t learn from Monopoly.

Anyone can make a fortune if they get hotels on the Boardwalk: This may be true, but not anyone can get a hotel on the Boardwalk.

Some people – and when I say that I mean people like me – are destined to live in crappy, green houses on Baltic Ave., eating green plastic generic-brand TV diners that taste like an old boot trying not to get shot in a green plastic drive-by.

There’s free parking: Not in Logan, there ain’t.

Colorful money isn’t real: This one has gotten me in real trouble overseas.

Once I hit foreign soil, I lose all sense of financial responsibility and start burning through my new multi-colored currency like play money.

Personally, I think this is a scam set up by other country that knows just how much time we American’s spend playing board games and how little we spend learning about other cultures.

If you own all of a thing, you’ll make money: This is a wheelbarrow full of Scottie dog crap.

I own all of the Fantastic Four cups from Burger King. I’m still poor.

Sometimes, you go to jail: This hasn’t really affected me financially, but I don’t see nearly as many real estate tycoons going to jail as there should be.

Either that or they are really good at rolling doubles.

Rich people wear top hats: I figured between Uncle Sam and leprechauns, this one had to be true, but every time I ask some one in a top hat for money, they pull a quarter from behind my ear and then disappear.

Along with Monopoly, I hate magicians.

To date, there’s only ever been one thing that I’ve learned from Monopoly about managing my own money.

Unfortunately, it’s getting rich takes a long time and is really boring: To my recollection, I have never finished a game of Monopoly. It’s just that boring.

That’s saying something, coming from me. I’m more than willing to engage in an all-night, dice-rolling battle of attrition for Central Asia, but 30 minutes into a Monopoly game and I pretend to have to go the bathroom and never come back.

The same thing happens with real money on the line. Some one will start explaining compound interest and all of a sudden I have to pee.

I did once play Star Wars Monopoly and that was better. I still didn’t finish the game, but for two whole trips around the board, I owned Dagobah, which kept me from having to answer the “call of the Force” a bit longer.

So that’s my problem. I know where they stem from and if you have any solutions to help me iron out my financial difficulties, that would be awesome.

Of course if you would just like to send me bags of money, that’s cool too.

I think what I’m really trying to say here is money may make the world go round, but it makes a really crappy game.

Geek on.

Thimble cannon.

Steve Shinney is a senior in computer science and can often be found trying to pry quarters out of arcade machines or the horses that kids ride. Comments can be sent to

steveshinney@cc.usu.edu