COLUMN: The Pre-Emptive Critics
‘Buried’
In the words of Bowling for Soup, “nothing changes but the faces, the names and the trends – High school never ends.” We all thought we escaped the rumor-spreading, life-ruining popular kids when we tossed our caps at the commencement ceremony.
But no matter how high up the social ladder you think you’ve climbed, those people always manage to sneak back into your life, haunting you, prettier and more stuck up than ever, and you’re right back to being the geek with glasses or the nerd in chess club.
“You Again,” starring Kristen Bell, tells a story of haunting high school turmoil. After a life-long climb from school mascot to vice president of her New York office,
Kristen’s character, Marni, finds out that her brother is marrying the head cheerleader, Joanna, who single-handedly ruined her life throughout her high school years. Ironically enough, Marni’s mother’s high school rival is also in town for the wedding because she is Joanna’s aunt, so girl drama is sure to follow.
I pre-emptively love this movie because the cat fights, the high school pranks and awkward situations will ensure gut-busting laughter. As I watched the trailer, I could not stop laughing as it displayed a montage of the antics between the feisty rivals, young and old.
Maybe after seeing this movie we can all try to come to peace with the grudges we still carry against the popular crowd from high school. Or we could keep praying that at the 20-year reunion they have a little less hair, a little more mass, and a lot more wrinkles.
–nikki.lives6@aggiemail.usu.edu
‘Legend of the Guardians’
Hedwig must have been seriously offended when she was so carelessly written out of the beginning of the seventh Harry Potter – offended to the point of gathering an entire parliament of courageous owl peers to take over Hollywood. This was the only conclusion I could reach after watching the trailer for “Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole.”
After directing the blockbusters “Dawn of the Dead,” “300” and “Watchmen,” Zack Snyder has chosen the path of animated, talking animals. I am already confused. In a behind-the-scenes featurette on YouTube, he and executive producer Deborah Snyder describe the movie as an adventure comparable to that of The Lord of the Rings.
Sorry? Was that a parallel between 3D owl warriors, based on the bestselling books by Kathryn Lasky, and the cinematic reproduction of J.R.R. Tolkien’s classic trilogy? Take it back.
I don’t care how many barn fowl are “sworn to protect the innocent and vanquish evil,” the only redeemable quality in this mess of unoriginality and CGI is the use of band 30 Seconds to Mars’ hit, “Kings and Queens,” in the trailer.
Perhaps I’m being a little harsh. Maybe this film is the actualized hopes and dreams of every ten-year-old, hipster with a fondness for owl jewelry and birdwatcher across the continental U.S.
All I know is I cannot be expected to take seriously a slow-motion shot of an owl spiraling heroically through a rainstorm in an effort to save his owl city, likely while Owl City is playing in the background.
Let’s get real for a moment. Owls eat entire mice and barf up pellets of the inedible junk, yet I expect the movie won’t include any bone regurgitation. Instead, the good creatures are adorably fluffy yet brave, while the evil ones have helmets and metal talons. I simply don’t know what to make of it all.
Until the Owls of Ga-Hoole are wielding lightsabers in their beaks and fulfilling romantic subplots with their field mouse victims, I preemptively hate this movie.
–noelle.johansen@aggiemail.usu.edu
‘You Again’
In the movie “Buried,” Paul Conroy (Ryan Reynolds) is a contractor in Iraq, driving trucks delivering supplies. After being ambushed, he wakes to find himself buried in an underground container.
He also discovers that he has enemies, who are demanding he jump through hoops – pretty hard to do from inside a box – to earn his freedom and a breath of fresh air. He has 90 minutes of oxygen, a lighter, a flashlight and a cell phone with a fatefully tentative battery supply and equally elusive call reception.
Not since “Castaway” has an actor had so little to work with. Upon first glance it seems like Hanks had the disadvantage, with only Wilson the volleyball to interact with, but even though Reynolds has a couple more props, he is confinedto a few square feet.
The scenery of Hank’s deserted island was much less limiting than the dusty boards and darkness which set the stage for this suspenseful story.
Fortunately, the filmmakers picked Reynolds to portray the unfortunate man, as he looks pretty decent with a layer of filth and sweat – ladies take note, this is a thriller you may want to see. Mercifully, his acting skills are up to snuff as well, because he is the only actor on screen for the entire length of the film.
“Buried” premiered at this year’s Sundance Film Festival in Park City, to critical appraise and promises to keep you on the edge of your seat. After watching the trailer from the edge of my couch, I preemptively recommend you see this film.
–tam.r@aggiemail.usu.edu