The mathematics of mating

Several days ago, I had an epiphany. It’s nothing religious or spiritual in any way. Nothing deep, pompous or redemptive. No, it’s much more important than that. Like Einstein working in the patent office in Switzerland, it just dawned on me: S = mb S is sex. The b is Baker. The m? Math. Yeah, math, like 1+1=2 math. Solving complex algebraic functions may be the solution to all mating-related problems. I know it sounds stupid, but that’s what’s so damn brilliant about it. The craziest ideas are usually the best. Who ever thought peanut butter and chocolate would work, or Guinness and Bailey’s Irish Cream could come together to create such a delicious libation – the Irish Car Bomb? But this mixture of math and girls just doesn’t seem to equate. At first it didn’t in my mind, either. It’s the way we’ve been socialized about math, from our stick-thin, pocket-protector-wearing algebra teacher who could recite pi to the 169th decimal place to nerds on TV shows like “Beauty and the Geek” who can unlock the complexities of molecular dynamics and astro physics but can’t figure out how to unlock the proverbial chastity belt if the combination was 0-0-0. Math is the anti-aphrodisiac. It’s one of those things, like sleeping in a bunk bed or dressing yourself in a salmon-colored sweatsuit, that just can’t be overcome by any amount of charm or good looks – the kiss of celibacy. Do you see James Bond finding the second derivative of a complex equation? Hell no, he’s too busy shaking and stirring – and we’re not talking about drinks. Hugh Hefner probably couldn’t come up with an equation to figure out his Viagra usage as a function of the number of girlfriends he has this week, but he’s one of the most notorious, stone-cold pimps in the history of the game. Math is usually like a creepy mustache menacingly glaring at people from your upper lip and shooing girls away faster than the most heinous odor. For a moment, believe that a geek would have the balls to do this. Average Geek (AG): “Hey, you want to learn about imaginary numbers?” Hot Girl (HG) while rolling eyes: “Not really, but I bet you are going to tell me anyways, aren’t you.” AG: “Well …” HG: “How can you have imaginary numbers? Are they just things you make up, like threfiven thomildred?” AG: “No. Actually, imaginary numbers are a fascinating part of higher mathematics.” HG: “Math?” She then vomits lime green gunk all over his sweater vest before her head explodes. The point is, math is akin to the bubonic plague in it’s ability to destroy a whole generation of possible hookups. Majoring in some math-heavy major is like committing yourself into a monastery and relegating yourself to an eternity free of coitus. I’m not making this stuff up. Ask any random engineering or physics major how much tail they’re bringing in. I know because my friend Jordan, until a miraculous event occurred and he got a girlfriend, was cruising towards a life of sex-less somberness. When I think about it, it was actually Jordan who was the inspiration for this mating and math madness. I guess it sprung from an evening of hard drinking that Jordan, for the most part, spent in front of the public TV feed of a basic math class on exponential functions. While we were all busy imbibing and participating in standard drunken revelry, Jordan was watching math shows in the living room laughing his ass off, sans pants – I do believe, because denim removal is his signature drunk move. I remember asking him just what the hell he was doing. “I’m trying to figure out an equation to figure out how many beers Berto (another of my friends) has had. He can’t remember, so I’m going to figure it out.” “You’re out of your (expletive deleted) mind, you silly bastard.” For the rest of that year, we would harass him about his affinity for making his life into equations. But looking back, it’s brilliant. Working together, Jordan and I have simplified the steps of the mating game into a series of equations and ratios, thus making the most complicated, subjective process known to man into something less complicated – that depends on if you can do algebra or not, I guess – and almost completely objective. What follows are a few basic principles for using math for mating, complete with mathematical formulas – mostly provided by Jordan – explanations and a guarantee there will be no story problems.

Basic Concepts of Attraction:

– The Conservation of Hotness: This basic principle of overall attraction, taking into account factors like physical beauty and personality, gives each person you meet a meaningful score that simplifies your warm fuzzies into a definitive number, Hotness Quotient, that can be used in several different ways. The Conservation of Hotness equation is the least shallow way of dealing with total attraction. The equation (fig. 1) is simple to calculate and works with any run-of-the-mill, 1-10 rating system for personality and hotness. You take the square root of hotness squared plus personality squared. Most wildly attractive women or men will score an eight-plus in hotness, but a zero in personality – because they have always used their looks to get by and have never had to cultivate any interesting characteristic other than boobs and biceps. Conversely, ugos will score nearly zero on hotness, but close to 10 on personality – that they’ve had to develop because their face looks like a penny just run over by a 76-car train – giving them a fair score. – Personal hygiene ratios: With a few simple ratios involving the care of your body, you can figure out why you are seeing less action than the Indianapolis Colts’ punter. The first important ratio is the beard-to-sex ratio. The less of a score your beard gets – score based on thickness, length, shape and occasion of patches – the higher the likelihood you’ll be wrestling around with a girl as opposed to playing WWF on the Nintendo Wii with your roommates, John Lennon, Billy Gibbons and Grizzly Adams. The shower-to-female/male interaction ratio is very easy to understand. Unlike the beard ratio, you want a high shower number to get to a more favorable hookup quotient. A low number means you smell like a bag of gym socks at a hockey rink, which we all know isn’t conducive to proximity.

– The Proximity Equation: This states, in hard data, the Proximity Rule, i.e., you are most likely to hookup with a girl/guy that is closer to you. It works for beer too. Proximity (see fig. 2) looks at likelihood of action as a function of distance in meters – metric, because this is science, people. Remember, c is any number a man/woman would travel to hookup.

Basic Concepts of Courtship:

– The Interest Parabola: Using this function, a person can find the maximum interest needed to secure a productive progression of relationship-related happiness and carnal satisfaction. The basic principle behind the Interest Parabola is the thinking that too little interest – explained in hours of effort – yields very sub-par results, but over-interest – also called The Stalking Syndrome – will yield the same sort of unacceptable results. So to find the maximum amount of effort, plug in the Hotness Quotient (see fig. 1) into the Interest Parabola Equation (see fig. 3) for h and get the maximum by finding the first derivative. With the maximum found, you can plan the amount of effort necessary for optimal results.

– Money Spent Ratio: The money-spent-to-hours-of-satisfaction ratio is pretty self-explanatory. The more money you spend, the more action you can expect to fall in your lap. This is nearly one to one.

That’s just a basic overview of a few concepts, equations and ratios I hope simplify your love lives a little bit. There’s so much more, I really just ran out of room. I could even do a whole section on intercourse – comparing time and satisfaction or promiscuity to STD possibility – but they would never print it. I guess I’ll just have to go ahead and write an actual textbook. Maybe that’d get r
ead if the illustrations were ultra sexy.

-da.bake@aggiemail.usu.edu