Movie Reviews
“Meet the Spartans”By David Baker
After watching the trailer, I’ve come to one conclusion: I really miss “Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.” I mean, what a show! Magical television worthy of laud and honor. Just seeing Kevin Sorbo’s flowing locks in the trailer brought a tear to my eye – a tear of remorse for the demise of a show that would spawn another undeniably fabulous TV brand name, Lucy Lawless’s “Xena: Warrior Princess.” Bruce Campbell was even involved in “Hercules,” and his uber jawline would be notable even if he wasn’t hardcore badass. Wait … What, I was supposed to be talking about “Meet the Spartans”? Like that worthless “300” spoof movie? Really? Well, hell. Hercules wasn’t a Spartan, was he? I know it’s a spoof, but come on guys, let’s at least be historically accurate here. For the sake of the half-wit makers of this film, I hope the real King Leonidas doesn’t hear about this. He’s a violent bastard, and pretty unstable – so making fun of him is pretty gutsy. You know what? The movie is going to be an abomination to the Greek god of justice and awesomeness, but what the hell? They had the stones to make a terrible movie that will probably get them kicked into a never-ending pit, so because of their blind stupidity or impressive recklessness, I pre-emptively love this movie.
-da.bake@aggiemail.usu.edu
“Untraceable”By Graham Terry
Remember that line in “Se7en” where Brad Pitt goes, “Just because this motherf***** has a library card doesn’t make him Yoda”? In the new thriller “Untraceable,” the mother***** not only has a library card, but an e-mail address too. Rated R “for prolonged sequences of strong gruesome violence,” “Untraceable” is just the latest in a long line of “Se7en” rip-offs that substitute excruciatingly detailed torture scenes for the intricate plotting and impeccable writing that characterized the earlier film. Even Chris Moltisanti got into the act with “Cleaver,” did you see it? Lousy picture, but Daniel Baldwin took Ben Kingsley to acting school on that one. Why name the movie “Untraceable”? As the movie’s main character says, it’s because “this Web site’s like nothing we’ve ever seen before. It’s untraceable.” Duh duh duh. I love how Hollywood has gotten around to making the Internet a major plot point in its features roughly a decade after the Internet fully permeated the American consciousness. Keep those timely, ripped-from-the-headlines scripts coming, you hacks. While filmmakers slop the fake blood around and eviscerate D-list actors in pursuit of a quick buck, restraint has been left by the wayside. Remember, screenwriters: “Se7en” was a pretty gnarly movie, but you never actually got to see Gwyneth Paltrow’s head in the box. I pre-emptively disapprove of “Untraceable.”
-graham.terry@aggiemail.usu.edu
“Rambo”By Aaron Peck
According to the tagline of Rambo, “Heroes never die … They just reload,” is this implying Sly Stallone should have already keeled over? My tagline for this movie would read as follows: “Heroes never die … But they do get enormous amounts of plastic surgery that make them look like they are in a constant state of surprise.” But in all seriousness (and nerdiness), I am looking forward to seeing this movie, although this is the same “seriousness (and nerdiness)” I had when they made another “Rocky.” It’s one of those movies you know is going to be a laugh fest, but you won’t be able to save yourself from seeing it. I know resurrecting dead icons like Rambo is a ploy to squeeze out as much money from the movie-going public as humanly possible, but I don’t care. Look at how crappy those “Alien vs. Predator” movies are, yet all the fanboys go and see them. Why? Because deep down they’re hoping the movie people can actually do something great with something they used to love. But, I’m sorry, it’s a false hope. It’s the same schtick, packaged a bit differently. As for me, I’ll be going to see “Rambo.” But I’m really looking forward to the ultimate movie icon tag team of death: “Alien vs. Predator vs. Rambo vs. Rocky vs. Fletch.” While we’re resurrecting all these past icons, why not Fletch?
I pre-emptively love the thought of Fletch getting eaten by an alien while Rocky punches a predator into submission, all the while Rambo shooting everything in sight.
aaron.peck@aggiemail.usu.edu