Blue View

Who will play in the Super Bowl?

I hate myself for having to do this, so I’ll get it out of the way right off: The Patriots will represent the AFC in the Super Bowl. Damn. That was like acknowledging Satan as your lord and master. I hate myself right now, but they will beat the infirmary ward that is the San Diego Chargers. Better news in the NFC. The Packers and the Moses of professional football, the ageless Brett Favre, will bring the power of cheddar back to the Super Bowl. Maybe Favre can defeat the evil pharaoh-Tom Brady-and lead Israel-aka NFL fans-out of oppression. Forty years of desert living is better than a Pats win.

Does Pacman Jones need suspended again?

I don’t think big momma Goodell would say “good” behavior means being at a strip club at 3 a.m. I hope Commissioner Goodell is ruthless. It’s not because I don’t condone strip clubs. The suspension is for my personal gain. I have a fever, and the only prescription is more Pacman on TNA Wrestling. There’s something about seeing him getting hit with a metal folding chair that tells me all is right with the world. It’s the first sip of an ice cold beer. Perfection is fleeting, so please, suspend him.

Sportsmanship in the WAC, good or bad?

What is good sportsmanship from fans, really? It’s a crutch for those players who haven’t developed thick enough skin-something to allow the weaker of the species to continue to fill the gene pool with mediocre, crybaby nitwits. Man up and play ball. You are men, and if being told you suck scars you so bad that you can’t play, well then you deserve to lose. This is just the beginning of the curtailment of our fanhood. What’s next? Noise limits. “My ears hurt. That’s why I missed my free throws.” Cry me a river. When are they going to force us to sit throughout games?

American Gladiators vs. World’s Strongest Man, who wins a fight?

As an American beer drinker, American car driver, Ted Nugent lover and die-hard American flag spandex wearer, I have to go with “American Gladiator.” It is my duty as a red-blooded, generally lunatic-fringe patriot to root for team awesome. The battle comes down to two things, steroids and munitions. Steroids is a wash. But “AG” has the weaponry to inflict damage: joust sticks, huge cage balls, the gun from assault and lest we forget, the formidable Hogan leg drop. What, the strongmen can pull a bus? I don’t see how that’s going to help them when Titan and Justice are baring down on them.

$100 million hockey contract?

Great for Alexander Ovechkin, $124 million over 13 years should do wonders for his bank account. Maybe nothing for hockey in general, but good for the 22-year-old’s pension. I have some suggestions for spending all that newfound wealth. 1. Hire a team of KGB thugs to protect you on and off the ice. Everyone needs an entourage, yours will just happen to carry illegal Soviet armaments. 2. Work on your grille. It’s embarrassing to be a toothless multi-multi-multi-millionaire-that hasn’t been in since the Clampets were evicted from their Beverly Hills pad. 3. Invest in pharmaceuticals.

Rant

There’s nothing I loath more than the intersection between sports and politics. Politicians should keep their filthy, scandalous hands out of the purity that is the world of sports. The newest injustice is another House Oversight Committee hearing on steroids in baseball. What a wanton waste of taxpayer dollars. More importantly, what a wanton waste of time on Sportscenter. I don’t care if baseball players are taking steroids. I do care if I miss out on some NFL talk, or a report from the stunning Rachel Nichols, though. Maybe the government can discontinue the hearings and send me a check for the money they would have used. I’ll use that to woo Ms. Nichols. Now that’s a good use of taxpayer dollars.