COLUMN: Getting healthy Schwartzman style
Blame it on Charles Barkley dressing up in a wig on Weight Watchers commercials, P90X testimonials or even just Jillian Michaels scaring me silly altogether, but recent events have put me on a quest. That quest is to become healthy.
And not just healthy, friggin’ healthy. Snob-faced healthy. Gives-you-dirty-looks-when-you-order-something-hinting-at-MSG-at-a-restaurant healthy. So healthy I’d eat my hemp bracelet if I was positive it would release me of toxins.
In an effort to best experience my trail of good feelings I had to go where anyone journeys when they are longing for comfort and understanding, Yahoo Answers. I didn’t get half a page into reader responses before feeling overwhelmed with suggestions for healthy living. My world was opened to so many new particles, vitamins, minerals, berries, Pokemons and everything else short of juicing Suzanne Somers’ Thighmaster.
Of everything I looked into, I came upon one very strong repetition – be sure to eat a good breakfast. In between the verbal microcosm of injecting myself with chemicals only found on set in tribal Edward Norton movies, the list was laden with the impression that no health-seeker will get anywhere without starting off the day in the food-snobbiest way.
This was an immediate frustration for me, as the only time I knowingly ate breakfast was the occasional Slim Jim en route to scout camps. But I worked hard, I dug deep, I cracked some eggs just as figuratively as literally, and I have come to embrace the world of breakfast and see its advantages.
What makes it all better, in my short experience of fast-breaking I have learned quite a few facts that moody-foodies won’t tell you, and if you are as I was in the breakfast world, allow me to engage your minds to some of the findings you’ll find as you learn to start the day munching.
First and foremost, eggs go with anything. And I mean anything. Hash browns, pancakes, pie, Martin Scorsese, anything. I don’t know what it is, but something about those could-of-been-chickens just fits perfectly with whet ever you top it with. If there happens to be anything not to eat eggs with, it would be more eggs. Not that it defers taste or anything of the like, but you will find soon that you will become downtrodden by texture, and trust me, no one likes the feeling that they’ve eaten a whoopee cushion after the egg-texture marathon with no supplemental texture.
Next, bananas, though effective, are a risk. We’ve all been there with bananas. We buy a bunch of six, knowing we’ll only eat five, because we know what happens to that final banana (there is great reason why my mother always called them “bread bananas.”). But the day will come, you’ll see, when it is an electrifying breakfast you seek, and that smooth-skinned, mini-canoe, brown-pelted ferret of a banana will be staring at you. Though harmless, those mushy, oversweet, brown-spots-aplenty bananas can ruins a persons’ day. I am still convinced Oscar the Grouch got his start as the healthy alternative to the Cookie Monster, came a across a bad banana and had no choice to result but to live a life as a firm-browed, garbage can dwelling recluse. So, if you enjoy your current home and have trouble yelling “scram” at children, be incessantly careful when approaching bananas.
Next, toast is awesome. That’s all there is to it. It’s more than just crunchy bread; it’s a getaway of toastiness. This may not appeal to you. I guess you had to be there.
Finally, if your goal is to be as healthy as possible, remember what I call the rule of the confused look. It goes like this: tell a friend what you had for breakfast, the stranger the look they give you the healthier your meal was. It’s something about the sacrifice you gave to eat healthy that somehow makes you nuttier than
a bowling ball juggler. If you need a quick start here’s a hint: flax seed is a huge fall back. No one honestly knows what flax seed is.
For those who join me on the journey of whole grain bagels, fresh acai juice and bran everything else remembers the most important lesson: find a way to enjoy your new cuisine. Get creative, some may learn to cook more, others find new forms of sugar. I, for one, find peace in covering my healthy foods in fried calamari and ricotta cheese.
Somehow I haven’t shed any pounds yet, but there is no doubt I am well on my way.
– steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu