Scream like a girl to get the girl

Psst, don’t tell anyone, but I scream like a girl.

There, I got it off my chest. I can go back to feeling like a man again.

Seeing as it’s Halloween, I find it fitting to recount my fear of just about everything. From the time I was a small child, I have been terrified of just about everything. Some people say they have had the fear of God put in them. I think my mother instilled the fear of fear in me. I am afraid of so many things it’s gotten to the point it’s not funny anymore.

The Easter bunny, Bozo the Clown, artichokes and Furbies are just a shortlist of my paranoia. But even though I am afraid of so many things, including the dark – which creeps me out since I am writing this in the dark with a flashlight and a paring knife – I have worked hard to master my fears. Mostly by running away from them.

In an effort to come off conqueror of my many fears, I decided long ago my only recourse was to watch scary movies.

Now don’t laugh, but for the longest time, the scariest movie in the world to me was “FernGully.” Sure the crazy chicken-loving bat was fun, but as soon as Hexxus – the spirit of all that is evil, which strangely looked like oil – was released, I would duck under my covers in fear and shame. Looking back on that movie, I realize what I was really terrified of was the knock-you-over-the-head environmentalist message that I’m pretty sure was developed by the Green Party in conjunction with the Democrats.

I graduated to more intense films, finally arriving at “The Ring.” I know many consider this movie to not be scary at all, but when I grew up with a fear of telephones and psycho half-dead little girls, all this did was aggravate those fears. The worst part was after sobbing inside for two hours, as soon as I got in the car to go home, my cell phone rang. I half considered killing myself then and there to avoid seeing that girl who needs a haircut in a big way.

Over time I eventually overcame my fear of scary movies because I realized what they were: a ploy for Valentine’s Day. Yeah, Tim Burton had it all wrong. Halloween’s not the nightmare before Christmas, it’s the nightmare before Valentine’s Day. Let me explain.

Scary movies fall under the genre of horror, which I don’t get. What can be more horrifying than just surviving midterms, watching a go-nowhere War on Terror on TV and knowing the Logan snow is on its way? A psycho man with a chainsaw pales in comparison to that.

Horror films are an interesting genre. The protagonist is typically a woman. I’ve often wondered why that is. Are women really that prone to drive down a street alone on rainy nights deep in the backwoods of some southern state? Are women so curious that when they know the bad guy is just behind the door, they really have to open it just to make sure and get so many cuts on their face it would take Fergie’s plastic surgeon to get them healed again?

My guess is no. In general I’d say women are much more cautious than men and wouldn’t put themselves in those situations. Except for the occasional Freddie Kruger. What can you do about that?

In reality, horror films aren’t made for male vampire/Goth types. They were made for women. It’s true, and males are the innocent bystanders that get sucked into it.

Say a new movie preview is released for a horror film. A man looks at it and thinks, “Hmm, that looks interesting. I could take this girl I know and she will hold tight to me through the whole movie. Sounds exciting.” A woman sees the same preview and thinks, “There is no way on earth I’m going to that,” at least until she’s asked out on a date to see it, and all inhibitions are gone. But it’s OK because it’s all part of a giant Valentine’s Day conspiracy.

See, women go to the scary movie with the guy and hold tight to him through all the scary parts. Because the touch barrier is broken, things can move forward more quickly and the couple can start dating more seriously. Things progress and before you know it, the couple’s getting married – just in time for Valentine’s Day.

It’s no coincidence Valentine’s Day is strategically placed four months after Halloween. It’s the perfect amount of time to hook up and be romantically involved when Christmas and Valentine’s Day roll around – the two biggest gift-giving holidays of the year.

I’m not saying women do this on purpose because they’re gift grubbing. Nope, it’s all the candy manufacturers’ doing. Their two biggest holidays are Halloween and Valentine’s Day. Long ago they convened in a large meeting to determine the best way to maximize profit. Their solution? Transform Halloween from a large Celtic observance into a chance to get candy and vandalize the property of others. But it had to be scary or else it wouldn’t setup the more important holiday of Valentine’s Day.

So this conspiracy is the whole reason we have Halloween. I’m sad about it too. I wish it really was a day where it’s socially acceptable to dress up like Jack Sparrow and walk around yelling pirate phrases, but it’s not.

I guess if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, so instead of worrying about carving jack-o-lanterns and knocking doors for snack-size candy bars, I’m going to wait until the day after Halloween and buy up all the reduced candy for Valentine’s Day and hope my wife doesn’t realize the difference between an orange and a red wrapper. Now that’s love.

Seth Hawkins is a junior majoring in public relations. If you see him running around campus in a Power Ranger outfit in February, it’s because he’s celebrating Halloween when he thinks it should be. Comments and questions can be sent to him at seth.h@aggiemail.usu.edu