COLUMN: Flatulence brings joy, embarrassment
There were days in elementary school when everything would go wrong. Class was boring, my team lost at recess and in gym class we would square dance instead of play capture the flag.
But all of those problems would go away, and I would consider it a good day if somebody farted.
“How was your day at school?” my mother would ask.
“Well, it was terrible until the end of the day and then Billy farted in front of everybody and it was so funny, and it smelled so bad, and …”
Yes, I lived for farts.
Some things change as you mature. And some things stay the same.
Last Christmas we had our extended family over for dinner. My sister and I were the youngest ones there.
All of a sudden I heard a fart. I looked up from my plate to find the culprit, but all eyes were on me. Then the noise came again. Once again, all eyes and smiles were on me.
“It’s not me,” I said as I looked at my butt wondering if I might have passed gas without realizing it.
A few seconds later, another fart. This time I knew it was coming from where I was sitting, but I was very confused. Everyone was looking at me and laughing like crazy.
Something was up. After about 10 minutes and 50 more farts I found a little electronic fart machine taped underneath my chair. It had a remote control that my aunt was using. I was literally the butt of the joke (pun clearly intended).
People grow up, go to college and have kids. But through it all, farting is always funny.
If you want an example of this, go to www.farts.com where they have articles such as “experts fart advice,” “explosive diet tips,” “chicks who fart,” a fart chat room, and fart products, including the new “pull my finger Santa.”
If I flunked a final, lost my wallet and got fired from my job all in the same day, it would be good reason to frown. But if somebody let out a good fart in the middle of the final I flunked, I wouldn’t be able to wipe the smile off my face regardless of what else went wrong during the day.
Another aspect of farting that never changes is passing blame. Unless you were the creepy kid at recess who would chase the screaming girls around purposely burping and farting in their direction, you were, and are, like me.
You do anything to avoid being identified as the farter.
My most common technique of avoiding identification (then and now) is to crinkle up my nose and look around as though I had just caught a whiff of somebody else’s crime.
Of course with this technique you’re always risking identification by the “whoever smelt it, dealt it” rule. But because many are unaware of this rule, I usually get away with it. Keep in mind though, that using “whoever smelt it, dealt it,” is also a good way to deflect blame if somebody else calls you on your fart.
Clark Jessop is a senior majoring in broadcast journalism.
Comments may be sent to clarkjessop@cc.usu.edu.