The Mortician: Craving, dead or alive

Yesterday, I faced death in the form of a burger.

The Mortician is an off-menu burger available at Morty’s Cafe. I’d heard of it, but I didn’t know exactly what to expect.

I told the cashier that I thought I’d like to try the Mortician. I was brave, she said somberly. After ordering, I learned that the Mortician features two patties, double cheese, pastrami, bacon, jalapenos, onion rings and sriracha mayo.

It looks something like that.

Initially, I figured it would kill me. I said my goodbyes to loved ones and close friends, reminding them that I would like to be cremated. There was no way someone could survive that, much less enjoy it, I thought.

I did end up dying… and going to heaven.

First of all, the Mortician is huge. It’s the meatiest dish I’ve ever seen, and it stacks high. I didn’t get my tape measure out, but I’d guess it was 4 inches tall. I probably dislocated my jaw getting my mouth over it.

The beef, which is locally sourced, was flavorful. And I’ve never been a fan of pastrami, but when paired with the greasy bacon and sandwiched between the beef patties, I really enjoyed it.

The Mortician is more than a meat monster. If it weren’t, they’d call it the Dead Thing, which wouldn’t be nearly as catchy. The addition of the onions and jalapenos was interesting. It makes your tongue sweat a little… in a good way. It’s your mouth’s way of saying, “I can handle it. Keep feeding me. I’m ready to digest.”

My favorite part of the whole burger was the sriracha mayo. Mayo will never not be good. But with the shot of sriracha, there was an added element — not quite a burn, but more than a sting. A pleasant undertone of heat.

By the end of the burger, I’m fairly certain there was grease flowing in my veins. Somehow I didn’t mind.

The Mortician was not at all what I expected. I thought the lack of fresh vegetables (which is kind of Morty’s’ thing) would be frustrating, but the meat and spices were dynamic enough that it wasn’t bland.

The Mortician isn’t something I could eat on a regular basis, but it’s my new favorite Morty’s burger.

— brennakelly818@gmail.com