Column: Cringeworthy church moments
Vivian Gates is a sophomore English teaching major from Oregon. She still goes to church, but is always careful to check her rear before exiting the ladies’ room.
I’m eleven years old and just reaching that pubescent age of self-consciousness and vanity. I’m sitting in my extremely dull church meeting when it hits me that I need to use the restroom. So, I gingerly exit the pew and waltz up the aisle, showing off my cute new skirt to the snotty-nosed deacons slouching in the next aisle over.
The restroom excursion provides necessary relief, and I primp for a moment under the flourescent light of the bathroom mirror. Feeling fresh, I walk to my family’s pew toward the front of the chapel. No cause for alarm here.
Until — I sit down. Reaching back to smooth my skirt before plopping onto the pew, I realize something that makes my cheeks redden. Beads of sweat gather on my upper lip. No. My skirt is tucked into my tights in the back. I can feel the scratchy, sheer fabric of the nylons stretched over a rumpled up skirt. I can feel the entire chapel’s eyes on my rear end. My mind is racing. Oh no. No, no, no. Which underwear did I put on this morning? I scramble to pull my skirt out of my tights and sit down as fast as I can.
Problem is, it wasn’t the split-second realization before sitting down that made me want to crawl into a hole. It was the realization that I walked the entire length of the chapel — down the aisle, “feeling fresh”, with a spring in my step — giving 250 people a prize-winning view of my teenie-bopper Paul Frank monkey underpants.
Embarrassing moments happen every day. Humiliating things happen to good people. You’re nodding your head right now reading this because you probably tripped on your way out the door this morning, or waved at someone you don’t actually know, or called your girlfriend by your ex’s name. Church is no exception. Whether you go to mosque, synagogue, sermon, mass or sacrament meeting, you can agree that no amount of spiritual fervor at these meetings can save human beings from well, being human. And if you go to none of these religious activities, then allow me to scare you out of ever attending. The following stories are from Utah State students, friends and alumni (names have been changed to protect privacy).
“One of my friends in college gave a talk on chastity. Midway through his talk he got flustered by the awkwardness of the subject, crumpled up his notes and said, ‘Follow the spirit and not your balls!’ The meeting ended shortly thereafter.”
“I was trying to make some small talk with a BYU fan in my home ward, and the topic got around to the possibility of the Big 12 conference expanding, and she said ‘when it comes to BYU football, it’s all in the Lord’s hands.’ I almost vomited.”
“One of my friend’s daughters stood up in the middle of the service and yelled “I AM SHEERA! PRINCESS OF POWER!”
“Once when my son was little and couldn’t say his ‘t’s properly, he dropped his hot wheels monster truck… we were trying to get him to wait just a minute. He lost it and yelled ‘I WANT MY MONSTER F*^%#!’”
“‘I have committed adultery…’ *points to bishop*… ‘with THAT MAN’S WIFE!!’ *pause* *more pausing* ‘…in… my… HEAD.’”
“One time in church, a boy bore his testimony on how he knew his eternal companion was in the ward all whilst making direct eye contact with me.”
Alas, what makes us human is also what brings us together. Next time you fall asleep with boredom in church, or belch while singing the hymns, take comfort. Someone’s had it worse. Much worse.
Did I scare you out of attending church with your roommate, or are you intrigued?
@viviangates29