SUBMISSION: Death by habanero
If you don’t drink but want to do something crazy and irrational; if you want a quick way to make a memory or clear your sinuses; if you are bored this summer and looking for something to spice it up or if you feel like incinerating your taste buds into nothing — eat a habanero. Last month, me and two roommates, four neighbors, and a friend took upon ourselves the habanero challenge. While it sounds brave, daring, and perhaps heroic, what ensued was one of the most painful, insane and questionable experiences of my life.
A habanero is a small, innocent-looking pepper which deceivingly tastes and looks like a bell pepper at first, but quickly turns into the fires of Hell. Your lips will feel like they have been implanted with brimstone and the roof of your mouth and your throat will burn like a furnace that cannot be quenched no matter what you do.
Immediately, tears of pain and lava will spill out of your eyes. Your face will turn red from the heat and you will find yourself gasping for air, searching for relief as you drown in heat that surpasses all imagination. Fresh air won’t help (but ice cream and milk will).
I have never needed ice cream more in my life as I did then, rushing to the gallon of vanilla salvation as if my life depended on it — and it did. I thought we might have to be taken to the hospital. I ate ice cream as fast as I could, though it melted unbelievably fast and the hotness of the pepper persisted. The pain, the heat, the fire would die down for a minute, but then come back with a fierce vengeance like an ancient Grecian monster who grows back two heads with every one that is cut off.
As I nursed my sizzling taste buds and flaming mouth with sips of milk (ice cream wasn’t cutting it for me for a minute there. Couldn’t eat it fast enough), I thought to myself, “This is it. This is how I die. Death by habanero.” I seriously wondered if I would see the morning as I watched my half-gallon quicky empty.
One person had to go outside and run around, the ice cream and habanero combination making him sick. In truth, it made me sick as well, but the thought of throwing it up was enough to keep it down.
Some braved the storm, their faces turning from tomato red to beet purple, tears flowing down their faces like water flows over Niagra Falls. Their faces were stoic as they bravely and courageously refused the ice cream (at first, but for only some — an unfathomable thought!).
As the rest of us cried and ate ice cream, we couldn’t help but wonder, “We are so dumb. Why did we do this?” For those that supported us in our time of trial, it was pure insanity watching and listening to the horrific sounds of eight suffering individuals who ate one of the world’s hottest peppers.
Be ye warned: eat at your own risk.