First Impressions of USU: Where Do I Fit?

First impressions of college life

So the first week of school was everything I expected and more. Walking up Old Main Hill was more challenging than anticipated. Gotta make smarter shoe decisions I guess. I saw so many new faces, (beautiful faces, I might add). There were so many activities, festivals, booths everywhere. Contagious excitement. I got SO many coupons…and music and food. Everything covered in sugar and sweet. What I didn’t expect was to feel so bitter.

It’s a cliche to “feel alone in a place where you’re surrounded by people” but that is truly how I felt this week. It came on subtly, as each day progressed and my awkward anticipation lingered.

Like most my age, I’m in a weird stage of life. I moved to Utah thinking I would fit right in. Like these are my people. I’ll make friends right away bc that’s just how it works when you’re in college, right?

Like most people my age I smiled on my first day, walking to class. I could see roommates hanging out, old friends reuniting, bro hugs and handshakes as introductions were made. Gorgeous girls and handsome boys flirting. Typical. I see young post high school students determined to find home here. I see wise seniors and grad students who have found home here and I want to be like them.

I see them on the quad. I see them in my classes. But I’m not like them.

I forgot somethings about myself that kinda changes the game for me. My attitude, my excitement, my determination may be like most people my age, but my college experiences and personal circumstances are different. I am different.

The truth is, I’m 23 years old. Underclassmen, kinda. Socially awkward. Academically behind. Living at home. Working for family. I’m new in town. Homesick. Alone.

I don’t really fit in anywhere.

And because of these things, I feel like I have to explain my situation to everyone who asks me a simple question like “what is your major” or “what year are you” or “where do you live” or “what do you do for work?” I feel judged. Here’s what I want to say, but don’t really have time for:

I’m academically behind. I’m most passionate about psychology, addiction recovery, and mental health issues in women, right? But this semester is my first real experience studying psychology and human development material. In community college, the most important criteria I used to schedule my classes the teacher, because I am serious about receiving education, regardless of where I’m at. So it just so happened that I didn’t get an opportunity to delve into psychology there. But I learned a lot and had an amazing experience. I don’t regret it.

But I’m still kinda an underclassmen. Even though I’ve gone to school for years now and earned an associates degree, I don’t really qualify as a junior because of the catch-up credits I have to take. I’ve got this degree but it doesn’t really “reach the academic standard” that qualifies me as an upperclassmen.

Being an underclassmen makes it kinda more acceptable to be living with my sister, I guess. It’s really all about the financial benefits. I’m paying my way through Uni. I pay for rent by helping her out with cleaning and kids and laundry, so it works out well for both of us. So anyways, home seemed like the right place to live, among people who love me and know me. But when I’m at home, I’m not interacting with my peers & my connection to my world of academics and discovery and hobbies and social interactions and age appropriate fun is gone.

I work for family. My sister is my boss. She’s a great boss. She trained me, we brainstorm together, and I help organize her social media for her extremely successful photography business.

I’m so socially awkward. My boyfriends lives far far away. I’m in love but oh so lonely. So I don’t fit in to most college’s varioius social situations.  Especially being new and not having any preexisting friends.

Other people my age are like O.o what do I even say to that? My BF lives in the dorms downstairs, I’ve lived in the valley all my life, I’m on track to graduate with the rest of my class and I’ve got like 6 old roommates and friends in this class, see?!

Or so it seems.

And so you see, being different/abnormal from the majority greatly disrupts everything. And this week in particular made me feel pretty low. Even being surrounded by happy, bright, beautiful people and sunshine makes me sad. Because I’m not one of them. A useless piece of the puzzle that doesn’t fit.

This week, all the feelings and thoughts battered me until I got to the point where I was just really low and bitter. Have you been there?

One specific moment during the week, during the big club fair on the quad, I was walking passed all these booths and groups of loling people. I had just crossed the street over by the Family Life building, and I saw a few single stragglers. A girl on the bench eating lunch. A boy killing time on his phone in the shade. People like ME. It was in that moment that I thought to myself I must not be alone in this. There arepeople feeling this. I straightened my slumped shoulders and gave my warmest smile to the girl eating lunch. The boy didn’t know it but I smiled at him too. I started looking into the eyes of people around me and I found something. I found many things in their eyes. I found strength to combat the darkness I felt. I found light.

I found a sense of school pride from the leadership student who slowly and quietly approached me to warmly invite me to an event that I already decided I wouldn’t feel welcomed at. I’m grateful for him. I was kind of scared to come over to the table with all the cheery people but I really wanted that sucker. When He offered, and I took it gladly.

I found strength in a girl I met, who has to wear a big black magnet on her wrist, that she uses to combat frequent seizures. When she runs, or sits in the sun too long she’s at risk of seizing, and has to place the magnet right above the scar on her chest above her implant, to teach her nerves to

work and stay healthy.

I found humor in the middle aged man who, while walking up the stairs @OldMain and trying to have a conversation with his wife, tripped and almost face planted right in front of me. “YOU SAVED ME”, He said to his wife and they laughed the rest of the way up. I noticed he was looking more closely at the stairs as he climbed. And so was I. And so was everyone else, so thank you middle aged man, you may have saved a life that day.

I felt hope at the sight of hundreds of students sitting quiet, thoughtful for hours at a time, surrounded by nothing but books, free wifi and silent studying (and that one guy who was playing fortnight on one of the computers *clickclickclickclick*). I found satisfaction in my class assignments and readings finished in the library, especially in the fact that I finished my work before said gamer finished his game. lol.

I don’t know why this effected me so much, but I actually felt like I fit in better after I watched students heat up their various homemade dishes for lunch in the student center. A special shoutout to the guy who brought last week’s leftover casserole. I get you. Let’s be friends.

I found kindness in one stunning girl with the brightest smile who stopped me on the quad to tell me to my face that she loved my hair, even though we were walking in different directions and I wasn’t exactly looking very inviting, with my eyes 100% focused on my destination.

I eventually found direction from the guy who tried all the locked doors on the outside of the building, just incase there was a shortcut. Turns out there wasn’t. And now I know!

I found inspiration and energy from Professor Ty who remembered my comment and validated me throughout the lecture; in his attention to detail, in his passion for teaching, and in his personal goals to change the world, one student at a time. Sir, I convinced you has have superpowers.

I was a little jealous of the guy with the mini segway but also he made me incredibly happy, too. Also the man with the American flag jumpsuit. #respect

I found love from my sweet niece Piper, who followed me and all my books into my room to make sure I took off my backpack and so I wouldn’t leave again today.

I found peace. I found it in others. I found it in myself.

I still don’t really know where I fit. But maybe, just maybe, Sarah or Leftovers or the Kind One or you feel like me. Feel like they don’t fit in. Or maybe didn’t fit once. Or someday won’t. Maybe it’ll pass and maybe it won’t. But I’ll keep finding my moments of peace in others, If Leadership & America Jumpsuit & Clumsy Middle-Aged Man are the ones who make me feel it, then maybe I can help them feel peace too. A piece. A piece of the puzzle that fits.

I hope you feel perfectly content right now. In fact, I hope you all find the place where you fit in. But if you don’t fit in right where you expected to, don’t be discouraged. Because I feel that way, too. I feel that way right now. Maybe we’ll find that we didn’t fit in here because we belong somewhere else. But always find your peace. See the light. It’s out there. In people, in places, in things, in you. And maybe we’ll all make it through this day, or semester, or through college together.

PS. Thank you for being a light in the darkness. I hope you can see how brightly you shine.