Guest Column: Survey of 2020 presidential candidates
This 4 minute speech won first place in the Senior Division of Editorial Commentary at the Steven Hunt Classic Debate Tournament. It was created as a speech, meant to mimic a sarcastic radio announcer and point out that no candidate or political party is perfect. For best results, read out loud in a sassy, NPR voice. Also, regardless of who you support, please take advantage of the opportunity to vote!
Welcome back to FM 96.1 Beehive Radio, this is A-bee-gail here to fill you in on the latest buzz in pollen-tical news.
Donald Trump recently returned to the White House, following his hospitalization for COVID-19. The Whitehouse reports that he has mild symptoms and is recovering well. In line with his can’t-do-wrong-attitude, he left the hospital prior to discharge to wave at adoring fans.
After all, ABC news has confirmed that at least 17 people who have been around the president or Whitehouse have tested positive; so what’s a few more security guys or chauffeurs in the process?
After sharing the stage with Trump for the last presidential debate, Joe Biden tested negative. I would call it the presidential debate, but that would imply civility and the ability to wait your turn. In case you missed it, one highlight from the debate was “shut up, man.” And low lights included: “you graduated at the bottom of your class.”
If I listed all the personal attacks we’d be here for, well, the length of the debate. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait for one of these guys to be representing our country to the world and making policy decisions with far-reaching domestic implications.
This debate could go down in history as one of few times a third-party candidate joined a televised presidential debate. According to President Trump, Chris Wallace joined the debate, representing the moderator party. This phenomenon repeated when third-party candidate, Pence’s fly, joined the vice-presidential debate.
And if you don’t want a white, male, 70-something who inflates the truth and borrows words from others, you could vote for – Joe Biden? Scandals related to plagiarism and fabrication were part of what derailed his 1988 presidential campaign. He used 5 entire pages of an already published article in a law school paper. How can you be in law school and not understand plagiarism? How did you get through a political science and history double major and not learn to cite your sources? I guess it just goes to show my major won’t teach me anything anyway.
Of course, if you don’t want to vote for either of these guys, there are some great third-party options out there.
The Libertarian candidate Jo Jorgensen wants smaller government — shocking, I know. The real stinger is her VP, Spike Cohen, who once campaigned with Vermin Supreme and promised to resign and be replaced by Baby Yoda if after 100 days he did not meet the campaign goals of giving everyone free cheesy bread, legalizing recreational plutonium, and forcing police to wear Barney the dinosaur outfits.
Green Party Candidate Howie Hawkins has lofty goals of Medicare for all, a $20 minimum wage, a federal job guarantee, and sprawling environmental legislation.
The 2000 election showed that the Green Party can influence national elections; some say they took enough votes from Al Gore to tip the election in favor of George W. Bush. So, really, we can thank them for the “Bush did 9/11” conspiracy theory.
To celebrate the 244th anniversary of our nation, rapper and fashion icon Kanye West announced he was running for president, under his self-invented Birthday Party. Why celebrate once a year, when you could have a Birthday Party in office every day?
The Constitutional party, led by former CEO turned convict, Don Blankenship, wants to abolish the IRS, because who actually thinks the 16th amendment was legally ratified?
Gloria La Riva, the Party for Socialism and Liberation candidate, wants to close military bases around the world and aspires to follow the incredible example of Fidel Castro.
So there you go folks, with all of these great candidates running for office, the future of America has never been brighter.
Up next, we’ve got a nice set of music for you, starting with “We’re Not Gonna Take It” by Twisted Sister. I’m A-bee-gail, here on Beehive radio. Thanks for listening.
Bryn Voigt is a senior majoring in Political Science and minoring in Sociology, Criminal Justice, and Organizational Communications. This is her second year competing on the USU Speech and Debate Team.
If you are interested in learning more about the debate team you can contact Coach Gossner
chantelle.gossner@usu.edu