The Christmas song blacklist
As the Christmas season is now officially upon us, everyone is itching for some much-needed holiday respite from the rough year behind us. Music is one of the few aspects of the holiday season that is consistently comforting, even though we’ll probably hate the sound of jingle bells by January. However, there are a few songs that frequent the radio, department store speakers, sidewalk buskers and restaurant performers that should be banned from the airways and all streaming services so they can no longer wreak their racket upon the unsuspecting public.
1. “Drummer Boy” — Justin Bieber and Busta Rhymes
If you or a loved one has suffered through listening to this song, you could be entitled to monetary compensation. “Little Drummer Boy” should be avoided in any situation that isn’t in a church anyway, and this unnecessary modernization of an endearing song only paved the way for and legitimized the genre that is Christian pop/rap.
2. Anything from any of the Pentatonix Christmas albums
If you want to play any of these songs, just listen to the original version. There is absolutely no good reason to ruin somebody’s holiday by playing an acapella version of an instrumental song, like Tchaikovsky’s beloved “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy” featured on the “That’s Christmas to Me” album.
3. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
There is far too much ambiguity in this song for children to recognize that the father is dressed up as Santa Claus and that the mother was not, in fact, just having an affair with Santa on Christmas Eve. Ho ho ho.
4. “Twelve Days of Christmas”
This song has the same energy as the songs you would learn at summer camp. They’re so much fun to sing and dance to, but guaranteed, undeniable torture for anyone forced to listen to them. If you’re itching to sing about five golden rings or a disconcerting amount of birds, the shower or your car are also wonderful available venues.
5. “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”
Ah, yes. What a wonderful way to celebrate peace on earth and goodwill toward men — singing about your grandparent getting stampeded by a team of what essentially are giant magical dogs with horns.
6. “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth”
See “Twelve Days of Christmas” above.
7. “The Chipmunk Song”
The release of the “Alvin and the Chipmunks” remake was undoubtedly destined to inflict a collective migraine over Gen X as parents, caregivers and teachers for at least a few years. The fact this song has persevered long past the relative success of the franchise and is played year after year is just a pleasant recurring nightmare. In the words of Tina Fey in “Mean Girls,” it really is the “cherry on top of a fantastic year.”
8. “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” — She & Him
This is a cherished classic, but the eerie indie-acoustic beat behind Zooey Deschanel and Matthew Steven Ward’s echoey talk-singing offers a twist that was not asked for nor enjoyed. Not to mention the unnecessary gender-reversal.
9. “Nuttin’ For Christmas”
No comment.
10. “Santa Buddy” — Michael Bublé
Is an explanation necessary? While everybody loves the Bublé — or “the bubbly” — it’s impossible to justify this weirdly gender-specific cover. Eartha Kitt did a fine job of it herself.
Sage Souza is a junior studying political science and Spanish. In her free time, she enjoys long walks on the beach, making too many playlists on Spotify, and retweeting Karl Marx fancams.
—sageksouza@gmail.com
@sageksouza