A Word of Wisdom
A little word of wisdom: Judge not as a child that ye be not judged as an adult.
When I was a young boy, my parents taught me to obey the commandments, and yes, I mean the religious ones. Befitting for this weekend in Utah, I remembered learning the Latter-day Saint Word of Wisdom, and to me this meant no caffeine of any kind, at least no colas and their associated cousins. I could never understand how a child could be taught to believe chocolate is inherently evil.
Maybe my dad’s prayers are finally being answered about me being judgmental as a youth.
In my now evanescent childhood, I vaguely remember a time when I was concerned for my dad’s immortal soul because of his evident reliance on caffeine. I was so concerned I actually prayed he would be able to give up his vice. My favorite memory of this time is when my loving and good father was giving me a hug.
I looked up into his knowing eyes as he contentedly looked down on the boy he cared for. As our eyes met, there was a feeling of understanding, appreciation. Then with the quick smack of a boy’s limited diction, “Dad, if you don’t stop drinking caffeine you’re going to go to hell.”
Judgment had been made, and a sentence had been passed. At the thought of increasing line upon line in my blasphemy, I will not say much about that “from the mouths of babes” verse.
Knowing what I know now, I don’t think fire and brimstone would have been my direct assault on the good parent I love. Instead, it would have been a suggestion for me and the other kids to go to sleep early so he could relax. Or, I might have offered to go and grab him another Mountain Dew. You see, four weeks into my internship and appropriate introduction into the working world, I now understand the true meaning of life. And it may or may not have something to do with the wonderful effects of caffeine on improving the capacity of man.
The struggle of balancing proper work, social and sleep schedules requires a loss of one of the three – or some outside help. Since work is essential in some ways and sleep highly affects the other two, something else needs to enter the pyramid.
Internships, as a whole, can be hard. There’s no ‘us’ in internship, only an ‘i’ – followed by other irrelevant letters that I’m sure if I got creative enough could spell out caffeine. Though not a part of any scientifically proven ‘health’ pyramid, I believe much of current human interaction defends the strong support caffeine has on American life.
Since I’ve given up on the virginal caffeine life, I’ve grown to understand the workings of men much more.
For instance, I now know the true reason for a public transportation system. Because balancing the three aspects of life is just too hard for 90 percent of Americans, there is actually no time in the morning for breakfast or to brew the un-kosher pot of coffee before heading off to work.
Government can boast the joys of reducing traffic congestion, but I believe public transportation is really designed to allow humans to stay in a sub-zombie stage before actually arriving at work. Once they’ve reached their habitual destination, they are free to partake in the first doses of their addiction. Caffeine, as I witness all around me, is an essential part of the day. I wouldn’t have believed it until I started using an established metro system each day.
Why has Salt Lake only recently installed its expanding light rail? Because, fearful of the dawn, the growing number of hardcore caffeine dependents need a way to keep our roads safe. This isn’t berating. Actually, I’m excited, because as a ‘medium level’ caffeine user, I can now benefit from the light rail without having to be heavily dependent on caffeine.
Caffeine can also improve relationships. Take for instance the time I almost fell asleep kissing a girl I was seeing. She told me later that if I had fallen asleep I would have woken up with the type of makeover evil sisters give to their unknowing younger brothers and take pictures of. That crisis would have been completely averted if caffeine were an important part of our relationship.
The true killer of relationships, internships and governments is not a lack of commitment or principle, but caffeine.
As my beloved dad reads this, I’m sure he’s thinking, “Boy finally learned his lesson.” My pride once would have taken a start at this, but the problem is I’m too tired to care. I’m going to get another Coke …