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An open letter to you clowns

People who dress as clowns,

Everyone hates you. Literally. Your presence on college campuses, in the state of Utah and on everyone’s Twitter feed is unwelcome the way a hairy spider is unwelcome in the shower. Of all the superficial, uninspiring attempts at humor made possible by unoriginal trolls grasping at straws on the internet within the past calendar year, you clowns are the absolute worst. I would take four more years of crying Jordan riding Harambe over ten more seconds of dull clown memes.

Nobody is with you on this — you’re lame. The percentage of the population considering your antics in any way humorous is limited to high schoolers in desperate need of a personality before Thanksgiving break. We’re already pushing our allotment of amateurish self-important comedians here in Utah by allowing Studio C’s ridiculous existence.

Clowns suck.

You’re unwittingly begging those dudes who squat heavy weights in the Aggie Recreation Center ’til closing time to shove your constant thirst for attention into a maintenance closet. I personally don’t advocate extrajudicial punishment for crimes, but if I were to pass an average-looking student beating the crap out of a clown near the quad with a heavy boot, I’d offer that heroic student my pair of worn-out Nikes as backups for when that boot eventually loses its usefulness, and I would proudly show up to class utterly shoeless.

I know you’re hoping for some super dope Go-Pro footage about scaring students walking through the Logan cemetery. I get that you essentially live for trash-talking strangers in the YouTube comments section. I understand you have very little going on in life right now. What you need to understand is this campus of ours is full of cowboys sporting concealed carry permits.

The appearance of clowns throughout the nation is now the number one thing I hate about 2016, which is frankly a baffling feat. I’m going to have to let the obvious joke about the two clowns currently running for president slide here, because instead of spending an appropriate amount of time and energy on our country’s troubling political discourse, we now face a more immediate issue.

We’re about to witness roughly a thousand douchebags dressed as clowns at this year’s Howl terrorize the thousand unsuspecting freshmen girls dressed as Harley Quinn, probably by twerking because I bet they still think that’s funny too.

Stop trying to make the clown thing happen. The moment you jump around that kitchen corner in full clown costume to scare your roommate is the moment I hope you get your funny red nose bashed in with a toaster.

Logan Jones is a senior studying creative writing. He’s currently dating the prettiest girl in Utah.

logantjones@aggiemail.usu.edu

@logantj



There are 4 comments

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  1. Mike Million

    Logan it’s really sad to see someone who served a mission write such an article with such hate, and under tones promoting violence. This is not the way to discourage un-wanted behavior, infact this will likely promote it.

    This article represents a lack of creative thought and writing skills because it takes more creative effort to persuade troll clowns to stop than to just stoke the fire with your intense frustrations.

    It’s shameful to see such a piece like this came from the USU Statesman I would of expected better..

  2. Larry Gates

    Mike Million, the phrase is “would have”, not “would of”. I understand your confusion. The contraction “would’ve” does sound like “would of”, but isn’t.


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