“Awake”

I’m not entirely sure why early Darth Vader, or even later Anakin Skywalker, would need some sort of open-heart surgery.

Isn’t he a Sith/Jedi? Doesn’t that give him Wolverine-like healing powers? Or is that just a sci-fi geek’s wet dream?

Either way, the movie is basically about young Vader getting some operation, but he’s still awake, and the doctor’s want to kill him.

If I made this movie, it’d be about 12 minutes long. It could even be shorter than that, but I wouldn’t want to skimp on the long-distance Vader choking that would inevitably happen. The guy knows Jedi mind tricks, so it wouldn’t really matter if he’s paralyzed from anesthesia. He could still kick ass – with his mind.

Sadly, I don’t think the director had the vision to have Hayden Christensen do – probably the only signature role of his career – young Darth Vader. Instead this looks more like an episode of “Dateline” that will scare 12.3 million forty-something housewives all around the country away from going under the knife.

Without the Jedis, it’s too boring, but it looked like a possibility of naked Jessica Alba, which is enough for any red-blooded American pre-emptive critic to pre-emptively love this movie.

-by Dave Baker/da.bake@aggiemail.usu.edu