Being LGBT and not alone
Several USU students stood among a group of more than 400 lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and allies gathered in Salt Lake City over the weekend for a conference hosted by Affirmation, an organization providing support to LGBT people.
“Affirmation is extremely important because it provides a place for everyone,” said Josh DeFriez, a senior majoring in economics. “It’s not there to say one person’s right or one person’s wrong.”
DeFriez said the conference increased his awareness of the diversity of the LDS LGBT issue. He said there were people from age 13 to 60, some gay who want to be active in the LDS church, some who have left the LDS church, some married who struggle with same-gender attraction but want to stay with their heterosexual spouses, and children. Some were also members of other faiths who felt united in the cause.
DeFriez said he first heard of Affirmation seven years ago but wasn’t yet open to the group.
“At the time, I was deeply closeted and deeply disliking myself,” DeFriez said. “I looked quickly at the website and just thought they were anti-Mormon.”
DeFriez remained in the closet for years and returned from an LDS mission in December 2011. He came out last March and said he decided to go to the conference after some friends told him about it.
“The things that touched me the most were things that had to do with reconciling belief in the church and being gay,” DeFriez said. “It’s extremely important that people start to think and talk about homosexuality and Mormonism, or even just homosexuality and religion. People don’t bring it up, don’t talk about it, and it leaves so many people to suffer in silence.”
Bringing families together
Randall Thacker, president of Affirmation, said there are four main purposes of the organization: encouraging spirituality, reconciliation and healing, providing community and social engagement, connecting LGBT Mormons, family and friends with resources and creating dialogue throughout the LDS church to help increase understanding.
Thacker has been involved with Affirmation since he came out in 2005. He has seen it grow and change over the years and said he was especially impressed this year with the increased support from families of LGBT members of the group.
“Seeing families come together – that is a very new thing,” Thacker said. “Seeing a husband and wife with their gay child, brothers and sisters coming together to the conference was amazing and beautiful.”
Thacker was not the only one touched by the support shown by allies. Patrick Wendel, an undeclared sophomore, said one thing that really touched him at the conference was seeing his mom associate with other gay people.
Wendel came out this past June and said it was difficult for his parents because they didn’t know anyone else who was gay, but his mother attended the conference this weekend to support him.
“Even though they take a very conservative standpoint, they’re still very loving and supportive,” Wendel said of his family. “Now that my mom actually knows some gay people, she can be like, ‘They’re really nice. They’re normal. They’re fun to be with.’ It was a good eye-opener for my mom.”
Becoming more comfortable
Wendel said taking the risk of going to the conference was a step out of his comfort zone.
“To be honest, at first I was a little hesitant to go,” Wendel said. “I didn’t want to be too associated with such openly gay and flamboyant gay people. I still kind of think with that conservative background, and I was worried I was just going to hate it.”
But Wendel said those feelings changed as he felt the acceptance, love and connection he had with other participants there.
“It was good to see gay people who are so confident and so okay with themselves,” Wendel said. “They are so happy, and for me who obviously has just come out, I’m struggling with a lot of confusion, have struggled with self-loathing, and so on. I see them as examples.”
Wendel said he appreciated the support his family received from allies like guest speakers Steve and Barb Young.
“We’re all children of God, all coming from different places in life,” Wendel said. “But we all deserve to feel that love, that sense of self worth. (Affirmation) is there to affirm that God loves you as a gay person, but it goes for more than just gay people. You shouldn’t have to be someone you’re not. You don’t have to be ashamed of who you are.”
Facing the fear and forgiving the thoughtless
Ryan Adair, a senior majoring in English education, said the conference also helped him feel like he has a place where he belongs. He said it’s not easy when someone first faces the fact they are gay.
“You come out and try to go to church and you feel all alone,” Adair said. “There’s not a lot of Mormons who are gay and keep trying to go to church.”
DeFriez said he had similar feelings when he was struggling with coming out to himself and others. He said he knows of many who experience this extreme loneliness.
“People are dying,” DeFriez said. “People are killing themselves because of this. We have a moral obligation to talk about it.”
DeFriez said suicide is a huge issue for the LDS LGBT community and for the state of Utah. He also said a significant amount of Salt Lake City’s homeless youth po
pulation have been kicked out of their homes for being LGBT. He said talking about LGBT issues can solve part of this problem.
“I care much less about what side people take in the end,” DeFriez said. “I care about whether they listen and become educated. I want them to be willing to think about it and talk about it and be willing to love people anyway.”
DeFriez said affirmation has helped him to partially heal from damage caused by misunderstanding.
“A big part of affirmation’s message is forgiveness,” DeFriez said. “It helps people not to be bitter towards their families or bitter towards the church. It helps us forgive people who have ignorantly harmed us.”
But this weekend helped both DeFriez and Adair to put their past aside be part of a group bigger than just them. Participants came from all over the world – including countries as far as China and South Africa – to join their “brothers and sisters” for the event.
“The one who came from South Africa said it was his first time to the United States,” Adair said. “It really made me realize the sacrifices that people made to be there. It made me realize I needed to do more. I needed to be more involved.”
Adair, DeFriez and Wendel said the conference has motivated them to try and talk more openly about LGBT issues so that resources are available for those who need information. They said there are many who want to know more but are too afraid to seek it out.
“I was terrified to go to LIFE before I came out because I was like, ‘People will know I’m gay,'” Adair said. “I would go by the door and peek in but would never actually go in.”
Despite the fears of those who want to learn more, DeFriez said he wants people to seek him out so he can help them. He said together, we can change our culture and create a place where everyone belongs.
– m.noble@aggiemail.usu.edu