Blue Super Bowl Extravaganza

Better Defense?

I’m a man defeated. The Patriots have a better defense. Man, that was like passing a kidney stone. I have to admit, the Pats are better than a Giants’ unit that has an awesome front four, a decent linebacking corp and an injured, inexperienced secondary. Although Pats’ veterans like Bruschi, Vrabel and Seau have to drag their oxygen around the field with them, they have experience. Playing in the Depression Era makes a man tough, too. They’re also surrounded by younger guys like Vince Wilfork, Adalius Thomas and Asante Samuel to help them remember little things, like the difference between their suppositories and Viagra … oh, and which defense they’re in.

Better Running Backs?

It’s hard to pick against the Predator’s illegitimate son, Lawrence Maroney. Mainly because, along with the hair, Maroney may have inherited some of the violent tendencies of his deadbeat-alien assassin father. Even if Maroney has that cloaking device and heat-triggered sight, he, along with Kevin Faulk, still don’t measure up to the Giant’s running back tandem of Brandon Jacobs and Amhad Bradshaw. Jacobs is tough to bring down and Bradshaw is explosive. Rolled together, they could be like Arnold and Carl Weathers, except this time Carl Weathers would kick ass instead of just dying.

Better Wide Receivers?

It would seem fairly obvious that the Patriots would have a superior group of receivers – Moss, Welker, Stallworth. I just don’t buy it. Call me stubborn or drunk. Call me whatever you want because I’ve been called worse. I think the Giants have comparable, if not better, receivers. Plaxico Burress is tall, fast – a good alternative to Randy Moss. Steve Smith has come on as a rookie, and Amani Toomer is a very good possession guy. The real table-turner is Giant’s tight end Kevin Boss. He’s 6-foot-6, 253 pounds. With a name like Boss, how could he not be … boss. Sorry I couldn’t think of a better word, but Boss could be the next great American hero.

Better Coach?

I’ve been staring at this damn blank section for about 15 minutes, and there is just no way to deny that Bill Belichick is a better coach than Tom Coughlin. It’s not that Coughlin is a bad coach, he just isn’t willing to take things far enough to be successful. Belichick has been willing to cheat, thieve and swindle his way to the top, and in this cutthroat world, it takes a truly sinister evil to be No. 1. Coughlin seems like a cantankerous man, but his moral compass didn’t allow him to sell his soul to buy into Spygate. In a world where bloodthirst rules, Belichick – cheater, shyster and scourge of indecency – is king.

Can Eli beat Brady?

This is going to sound like wishful thinking, and it is, but I have to say there is some possibility that Eli Manning can beat Tom Brady in the Super Bowl. Think back to all the great upsets: The Miracle on Ice. Buster Douglas. The Mighty Ducks over Iceland in “D2: Mighty Ducks.” Manning is no Gordon Bombay, or Goldberg, for that matter, but he is playing the best football of his young career. With some momentum, he could roll right over the Pats’ defense and into the annals of history as the only quarterback who could beat Brady and Patriots. He’s an unlikely savior, but I guess he’s the last hope for a world that could be shrouded in the evil shadow of the Patriots for the rest of eternity.

Rant

For all this talk about the big game and the boot, this 42nd Super Bowl is going to be a stinker. All the spit and shine of ESPN over-coverage, won’t change the fact no one west of the Appalachian Mountains cares an iota about this game. Great football fans – burly, bearded, NRA-member-type Americans, myself included – have expressed little interest in this year’s Toilet Bowl. I’m more excited to see Tom Petty play “Runnin’ Down a Dream” at halftime. Everyone, sit back, have a beer, some wings, laugh at the commercials, rock out with Tom – unless he plays “Free Fallin’,” an awful song, by any stretch – and get a good nap during the actual action.