Blue View
Who will win the West?
Wouldn’t we all love it if the Lakers went back to being bad? That’s not the case. With the acquisition of Pau Gasol, the Lakers will probably win the West. But what makes them the best? You’d have to ask Bill Walton for some rambling-incoherent-ESPN-basketball-analyst answer. I’ve got the Lakers for one simple reason: Pau Gasol’s beard. He looks like vintage Johnny Damon from the idiots era, before Damon sold his soul and shaved his baseball Jesus look to be a damn Yankee-I’m not talking about the Ted Nugent super group. With the addition of Damon, the Sox were able to break the curse and win the World Series. Gasol’s got the right mix of wild-man looks and skill to make the Lakers dangerous.
What will the effect of Yao Ming’s injury be?
It’s safe to say the average height of the Houston Rockets’ starting lineup will go down about a foot. Short guys like Rafer Alston and Bobby Jackson will have to get someone else to reach things from tall shelves. That person may have to be 7-foot-2-inch Dikembe Mutombo. The 83-year-old center may also have to fill in for Yao on the court, which, after all that rambling, leads to the most enjoyable effect of Yao’s injury: more demoralizing finger wagging from Dikembe. The only thing worse than being rejected by a player so old he’s baffled by talkie movies, is having a 14-inch-long finger wagged in your face. The Rockets will probably suck something awful now, but who cares? Bring on the finger.
Winner after the NBA trade deadline?
Until the trade deadline, LeBron James on the basketball court looked a lot like the LeBron James in the commercials where he plays every character. King James did everything for the Cavs. He scored. He rebounded. Filled the Gatorade cups. Passed the ball. Coached the team. Presumably washed the jerseys. Not for much longer. The Cavs traded almost an entirely new supporting cast for ‘Bron – the best part is, this time they aren’t eighth-grade JV rejects. Ben Wallace brings some much needed afro to Cleveland, and the other players are less hairy, but should be solid contributors. Maybe the Cavs could have traded for lil’ Penny, as well, to give LeBron some help in his commercials.
Would you sign Barry Bonds?
Yes. That’s really all I have to say. Am I supposed to go longer? Oh, really. Damn. Well, he’ll sell tickets. As much of a creep as Bonds may be, he’s an interesting creep. He’s probably still good for 25-plus home runs and a ton of walks – and we all know walks pack the seats. For a team like Tampa Bay, they have nothing to lose and everything to gain. It will be the first time in their existence the team is actually relevant. People will now be able to name at least one player on the Rays’ roster. Some fans might even show up to see if Bonds’ ever-expanding head can fit through the clubhouse door. Even if 200 fans show up instead of the 15 die-hards that usually are there, it’s a positive, right?
Most impressive player at the NFL Scouting Combine?
I was going to pick the kicker or punter that bench pressed the most, but it’s become apparent that NFL.com doesn’t care about how many times those guys can bounce 225 lbs. off their chests-cracking a few ribs in the process. Since I don’t have any motivation to dig through a bunch of garbage to find those numbers out, I guess I’m going to have to pick someone else. Vernon Gholston, a defensive end from Ohio State, had a pretty good workout. He ran a 4.67-second 40-yard dash, had 37 reps on the bench – tied for the most at the Combine with Michigan’s Jake Long-recorded a 35.5-inch vertical jump and 10-foot-5-inch broad jump. Basically, he eats nails and craps out low-income housing.
Rant
I’m sick of ESPN’s bracket-style tournaments for things that have no redeeming value. The newest, and stupidest, being the Greatest Highlight Tournament. If I have to see Chris Berman do the same lame recap of “The Immaculate Reception” one more time, I’m going to Bristol with a tomahawk and a heart full of hate. But if ESPN insists on doing more of these stupid damn things, I have a few suggestions. Maybe do a tournament to find out which bathroom in the ESPN complex has the best toilet paper. Pit horrible forms of torture against each other in a 16 torture tournament and have America choose the most appropriate way to dispense of Bill Walton. Better yet, have a tournament to settle, once and for all, the question of which ESPN personality America wants to see naked. The finalists would be Bob Ley and Linda Cohn. You choose.