Blue View
Who wins the National Championship game?
I have to stay true to my pathetic excuse for a bracket and take the University of North Carolina over UCLA. If you really want to know what’s going to happen, just tap into some ESPN coverage and watch those lucky bastards gloat about their all-No.1-seed Final Fours and how hard it was for them to pick such an unlikely occurrence. It hadn’t happened since seeding was instituted, but how hard is it to pick that bracket where there’s no Cinderellas in the Final Four? I hate when anyone else is right, especially those overpaid, has-been coaches and players in Bristol. If you were such a great coach Digger Phelps or Steve Lavin, why aren’t you still doing it? Huh? Analyze that for a minute. Did I already say UNC would win? Good, I got a little off track.
What should the Bengals do with Chad Johnson?
Trade him for $85-get it? His number is 85 and they’d get 85 bucks for him. Brilliant. Three pats on the head for me for my wit-and a goat to the producers of “Dancing With the Stars.” I think Chad’s moves, although they’re very conducive to creating separation form defensive backs and touchdown catching, would be put to better use in the ballroom dancing arena. We’ve all seen him cha-cha, I think the only word that comes to mind is: breathtaking. When someone has a talent like that, it would be wrong to not use it to better society. Chad can only dance in the NFL when he scores touchdowns, and since he’s pissed off his quarterback and coaching staff, that won’t be frequently, but in the world of ballroom dance, Ocho Cinco will be free to grove on a daily basis. It just makes sense.
What do you think of the possibility of a haircut policy in the NFL?
If Roger Goodell was my dad, I’d probably be into hardcore drugs, slutty girls and horrifying techno music-just as a way to rebel against my puritanical upbringing. And he treats NFL players like the unwashed youth of some backwards colony of morons. Quit being such a hard ass. If someone wants to have long hair, leave them alone – these are grown, or overgrown, men. Are we worried about them looking like women? Because I’ve never seen a woman with a chest as big as a defensive lineman-I can always hold out hope. The players know that stuff’s going to get pulled, they don’t care. Goodell is just so straight-laced, so seemingly uptight, he’s bound to pop. Not an ounce of rock ‘n’ roll. I bet his sex life is just stagnant, boring, about as adventurous-and with as much heart-pounding excitement-as a colonoscopy. Maybe that’s Goodell’s problem.
Are you happy baseball has started?
Hell’s yes. This means more Peter Gammons. That man has a head of hair Ron Burgundy would be jealous of. When you’re going bald, you learn to appreciate a full, cascading quaff of hair. It may be gray, but it’s a thing of beauty. If I make it to Gammons’ age, which is unlikely at this pace, my head will look like a grape that’s shriveled up-not a raisin, smart ass, don’t jump ahead-and began to rot in the crisper drawer in the fridge. And like the grape, it will probably be oozing some sort of puss-like commodity, along with being well on the way to fermentation. Gross, right? But this has absolutely nothing to do with baseball, and I’ve been thrown off track once again. Damn. To quickly answer the question: Sure, baseball is better than poker coverage, Women’s NCAA coverage or anything to do with darts-unless they’re being thrown at Doug Gottlieb.