Blue View
Record least likely to be broken: Stew or Jaycee?
Stew Morrill’s all-time wins record. I can hear the letters to the editor being churned out by enraged Carrollites. Put down your pens you over-enthusiastic geeks. Here’s the deal: Utah State has had a lot of good players, and Jaycee is certainly one of them – I don’t want to take anything away from him. The thing is, there could easily be another Jaycee Carroll. I hope for future Spectrum fanatics there are several. But will there ever be another Stew Morrill? Doubtful, to have such success on a consistent basis is hard. Plus, Stew isn’t done. By the time he is, the win total could just be stupid. Either way, congrats to both men.
Super Bowl pick
To anyone who has been paying attention, this will come as no surprise. I’m not picking New England, and since the Giants are the only other option, well, they are my Super Bowl pick. The Pats may win, but those cheating, shyster Stalinists don’t get my support. I guess it’s the moral conviction in me – a need to root for good over evil – but I just can’t side with Hedley Lamarr and his band of success-crazed fascist swine. So for the Giants, I have this to say: “Go do that voodoo that you do so well.” On second thought, I should pick Tom Petty, because “Last Dance With Mary Jane” is the only thing pure enough to defeat the Pats.
Biggest NBA disappointment
I really can’t think of anyone worse than the NBA Champions from a few years back, so the Miami Heat win. Dwayne Wade can’t do everything by himself, try as he may. Putting the whole team on his back is getting increasingly hard with Shaq’s Dennis-Franz-from-“NYPD Blue” waistline and the gaggle of hapless scrubs that comprise Miami’s role players. Maybe the Heat should just pack it in and do what everyone else in Miami does – hardcore opiates, the application of gallons of bronzer and attendance at casting calls for Abercrombie’s spring line.
Should Favre comeback?
Of course. But first, he should retire for three months. In that time, he can try out for a minor league baseball team and create/market some ridiculously useful kitchen appliance. “Now introducing the Brett Favre Rough, Tough, Stubble-Faced, Crisperizing, Cholesterol-Hiking Catfish Fryer. Deep fry your favorite fish, chicken, beef, pork, veggie, fruit or creme-filled pastry dishes. Guaranteed to put hair on your chest and manly stubble on your face. Start your day off with deep-fried Cheerios and a gunslinger mentality, like future Hall of Famer Brett Favre.” That’d sell. After that, Favre could just comeback – Jazzy power chair and all – and take another crack at the Super Bowl.
Biggest NBA surprise
At first glance, some would say the Blazers. But also, at first glance, Tara Reid may still look hot – further investigation shows a festering mass of sexually transmitted filth, a petri dish of rotten Hollywood excess. The Blazers aren’t that bad, but the point stands. For me, the Celtics are the biggest surprise. We didn’t know if Allen, Pierce and Garnett could play nice, they can. It’s not much of a surprise – probably more like a surprise birthday party you knew about than a baby showing up on your doorstep one day with a note explaining how you’re the daddy.
Rant
This is a completely non-sports-related shout-out to Adam, who recently asked me who is the true master of metal, Ozzy Osbourne or Ronnie James Dio? The tale of the tape: 1. Voice – Ozzy for his signature sound. 2. Songs – A push. Dio has “Rainbow in the Dark” and “Holy Diver.” Ozzy has “Crazy Train” and “Bark at the Moon.” 3. Contributions to metal – A push. Both were in Sabbath. Dio gave us the horns. Ozzy introduced talent like Zakk Wylde and Randy Rhoads. I’m out of room, so here it is: Dio gets a knock, from a manly metal perspective, for fronting a band called Rainbow – not metal-sounding – and I think that’s the only minutia separating these two Goliaths. Thanks Adam. I’d be happy to try to solve other important conundrums.