COLUMN: A lesson in the art of bathing

Right?

A lot of students realized this whole back-to-school thing isn’t nearly as awesome as previously thought in the days leading up to Jan. 9.

I feel like I saw a lot more people studying in the library during the first week after winter break than the second. About half the amount of people who actually show up to my natural disasters class now, compared to the first week when students crammed themselves in the BNR auditorium.

Perhaps, it’s because everyone stays up late studying and isn’t used to getting up early, but there is already a severe lack of  people willing to get ready for the day in Cache Valley.

Last week, on the 7 a.m. buses, there were a lot more girls with perfect hair and nice makeup, but this week I see a majority of these former hotties in Aggie sweats and Yankee hats. A bunch of guys had no-shower stink lines radiating from their armpits — not that I care how a dude smells, of course.

In a cold Logan Winter, everyone is so bundled up that the stench can’t escape the marshmallow-coat layer or the Aggie sweatshirt layer. At least, it doesn’t leak out on the bus or walking across campus.

Everyone sits down in the crowded general-education classes and takes off their coats, gloves and sweatshirts. I’ve even seen some people take off their boots and shoes in class. That’s when it hits. As if on cue, a giant brown stink cloud erupts with a power capable of knocking out a rhino with a stuffy nose.

If this was a science fiction movie, the stink cloud would condense into monstrous form and shout with a gravelly voice “My name is the Stank, and I’m here to take your consciousness,” and then laugh maniacally as everyone ran out screaming.

Now, I’m just having fun, but I hope all you readers understand the seriousness of the topic. Personal hygiene, people, seriously.

It is important to bathe and get ready for the day on a consistent basis. If it’s not important to you, I guarantee it’s important to the cute girl sitting next to you in chemistry. Unless she’s married — it’s just a speed bump, guys, not a road block.

The point is, you’re never going to get in the proverbial car without at least a splash of body wash every morning.

I hate how I actually have to write this, but don’t worry. You’ll thank me later. The following is a guide to showering.

Step 1: Turn water on to a comfortable temperature; not too hot, not too cold. Pull curtain so as not to splash on the floor and tick off your roommate.

Step 2: Get naked. Unless you also
need to do your laundry.

Step 3: Get wet and lather up — shampoo for hair, soap for body. If you’re feeling ambitious, you can even take it up a notch and use conditioner and face wash after the shampoo.

Step 4: Scrub. Don’t forget those hard to reach places. Buildup there has a bad reputation of getting super gross.

Step 5: Rinse. Now that all your soap is full of dirty body particles, get it down the drain.

Step 6: The rest. Turn off the water, shake like a dog, dry yourself, comb your hair, apply makeup — ladies only, please — brush teeth, apply deodorant and dress yourself.

Men, please note that angels will not fall from the clouds when you mist yourself with body spray instead of taking an actual shower; you’re just covering up your personal stank monster. He’ll get you. Don’t risk it.

Also, note that even though I’m primarily writing to guys, girls are not above reproach here. Speaking personally, I don’t mind when a girl has a grunge day every once in a while, but you can’t complain about the “stank” in a dude’s apartment if you haven’t vanquished the demon from your own hairy armpits.

Hopefully, this guide helps improve the air quality in Cache Valley, or at least on the Aggie Shuttle buses.

– Tavin is a sophomore majoring in journalism and is the sports editor at The Utah Statesman. One day he hopes to date Miss America, dunk a basketball and become the most interesting man in the world. Follow him on Twitter @tavinstucki and send any comments to tavin.stucki@aggiemail.usu.edu.