COLUMN: A new back-to-school shopping list
I remember when it was the traditional routine – in the happy, carefree days of elementary school – to announce what you did over the summer as one of the first things on the agenda after returning from your summer vacation.
Somewhere along the lines this tradition was sadly lost, all in the name of “valuable time” and “applicable education” (two things that have and will haunt me for the rest of my life). Well, I intended on reviving that glorious tradition in this, my first column of the new semester. That is, until something drastic came up.
Yes, I’m afraid my summer vacation adventures (which included a lot of TV, a decent amount of potato chips, and unheard of quantities of silly putty) are just going to have to wait until later. Priorities have taken over, and I must address the pressing, if not urgent, issue of surviving classes.
By now, it is no secret to you it is a professor’s solemn duty to do his or her very best to spend the first week of classes (or first day in particular) trying to scare the valedictorian scholarship out of you and make you wish you had never left your night job in the textile factory to come to college.
My first bit of advice is, DO NOT PANIC. My second bit of advice? Go back and see if the textile factory will still take you on. If they refuse, then my advice is PANIC. OK, maybe complete and utter chaos is not the answer to your problems (I repeat, MAYBE). If this is the case, then I will try to offer an alternative to outright anarchy.
While your professors have included a list of books and other items you need as a student in all of your classes’ syllabuses (syllabi, syllabeese, syllabim, or whatever the plural to that word is), I’ve found the professor’s list only adds to the problem. In order to counter this, I’ve decided to provide my own list of items you as a student will need in order to survive school, aptly (dare I say, brilliantly) named: The School Survival List. Here it is, in nearly alphabetical order.
•Pen, pencil, dry-erase markers. The use of the pens and pencils should be obvious. As for the dry-erase markers, I think you’ll find they come very much in handy as bonus points if the professor’s own marker happens to dry up. (Disclaimer: Colors may depend on each individual professor.)
•Pillow. This is a must have for your larger, lecture-driven classes.
•Raptor. I don’t know how you would get a hold of such an extinct animal, let alone what you’d do with it. But I just thought it would be cool to have, so I added it on the list.
•GPS (Global Positioning System). Besides helping you know your elevation at any given point (practically a must, I would say), it will also help you to geographically locate each one of your classes, ensuring you will never get lost again.
•Lawyer. There’s always a potential lawsuit around the corner if you have your eyes open, which could easily pay next semester’s tuition and many more to come. Your lawyer will help you find these “opportunities” when they arrive.
•Ninja Protective Brotherhood. While I’ve found that ninjas are somewhat lacking in the multivariable calculus skill level, they’re extremely good at just about anything else. Plus, they can do entertaining flips, back-hand-springs and roundhouses. It’s a definite win-win situation.
The list may seem short, and I will admit it is still partially experimental. But logic alone suggests that any one, if not all, of these suggestions will lead to immediate success. Follow the list as it is given, and I assure you survival is imminent.
Of course, it’s only fair I give suggestions to the professors which will help them to survive this semester as well.
Therefore, my most realistic advice: RUN. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, AND DON’T EVER LOOK BACK.
Marty Reeder is a senior majoring in English education. Comments can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu