COLUMN: A new look at being thankful this year
Kids clad in paper bags posing as Native Americans. The fresh smell of cornbread stuffing. People actually rooting for the Detroit Lions. Only the finest and most nostalgic pleasantries are alive during the miracle that is Thanksgiving, also well known as the “Festival of Pie.”
Every November we come together to celebrate family, happiness and a really, really huge well-basted bird. For this reason I’ve decided to honor this holiday by speaking of a few things I’m most thankful for.
Psych. Tricked ya.
Oh, come on. Did you really expect me to participate in what may be the most cliche article topic in the history of holiday-based columns? Some may see it as a rite of passage, but I am no one’s monkey.
Besides, giving thanks has become so commonplace in recent years. We seem to be thankful for the same stuff every year, subliminally chanting the same inward message, “the quicker everyone at this table comments the sooner I can jump into my gravy-covered paradise.”
I think it’s about time we evaluated things. Let me get the ball rolling, while the green beans are still baking, to rate a few of our most favorite things we’re thankful for, or as I like to call them “thankies.”
“I’m thankful for my family.” Of course there is nothing wrong with liking your family, but is that really the best you can do? This is the biggest day to be grateful, the Wimbledon of thankies the world over, and there is no need to fall back on a subject you should show thanks for all year anyway. If your goal is to show love and appreciation to your Uncle Dan for teaching you the Rubik’s cube, don’t choose the day he’ll expect it, surprise him on an offhanded day. Flag day for instance. That’ll sink it into him for sure. Overall: 2.5 turkeys out of five.
“I’m thankful for the outdoors.” This Ansel Adams-themed thankie may sound creative and in some cases sincere. Its real crux, however, is that it just doesn’t always seem believable. Think about it – when have the outdoors actually done anything for you? When was the last time Logan Canyon made you dinner? Said you looked pretty in that dress? Balanced your checkbook? The way I see it, before we go into the gorge of gratitude, Mr. Otto Outdoors has a little proving to do. My verdict: two globs of potatoes out of five.
“I’m thankful for animals.”This one is easy. How can you be thankful for animals when you are ceremoniously eating an animal. That makes about as much sense as the South Beach Diet. The skinny: one flimsy boca burger out of five.
“I’m thankful for Sprite Remix.” I’m not sure how this one is at all relevant. I just really miss this drink, the staple of my high school a la carte line and the only reason I went to the grocery store on my own. Let’s get real here, tropical and lemon-lime? Yummers. No question: five butter knives out of five.
And finally, the end-all-be-all of thankies everywhere.
“I’m just thankful to be alive.” In many ways this is true. If you think about it, however, this is also the biggest cheap shot to ever throw whilst at a dinner table. Being thankful for life is like pointing at everyone at the table and giving a resounding, “ditto.” No originality whatsoever. If we’re going to postpone dinner for useless banter in an organized form, I expect effort. That’s all there is to it. But then again, how can you challenge it? I don’t know about you, but I’ve yet to talk to someone who is happy to be dead. So, by default: three overcooked yams out of five.
That oughta give you the right perspective on your choice of thankies this year. Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and Go Lions (I guess).
– steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu