COLUMN: A toilet-seat conspiracy uncovered
Very rarely do I choose to pick such a controversial subject to write about. Sure, the whole “Tab” thing hit pretty close to home with some people, and, of course I had a huge reaction from medieval people around the world with my wooden stocks on the quad idea. But as I was sitting and pondering carefully, something I do often in my Philosophical Meaningless Drivel 4950 class, I realized there was something I simply had to address, something I couldn’t ignore any longer. I also realized, as a result, I was running a risk of not being able to get a date for months to come, but I quickly figured since that was no different from my current situation, I really wasn’t risking much.
What subject is this that has such drastic capabilities? Well, for a moment, I would like all those who are male to think back into their childhood and see if they can’t remember sometime in their life when they heard the biting phrase, “Keep the toilet seat down.” Unless you grew up in a household devoid of females or even a household devoid of bathrooms (I really hope not), I doubt there is a person on this earth unfamiliar with the “toilet seat down” request. As males, we were brought up on it, chastised for failure of it, brainwashed into the consistent accomplishment of it. But has anyone ever thought, why?
As a young boy, many of you males were sure to ask your mother, and she would, in a most intimidating manner, explain that it’s because girls have to sit down when they go to the bathroom. Sit down, toilet seat down. Makes sense, right? Wait just one second.
Allow me to get into the intricacies of toilet design for one moment. Most toilets have two lids. If we are putting them down, isn’t a female just as easily inconvenienced by having to lift the first lid before sitting down? In fact, I would suggest having the toilet seat down is even more inhibiting to either male or female by having it down. If a certain female happened to be in a rush, it would actually be a help to her to have gravity pulling down on the seat rather than working against her as she tries to lift it up. Plus, going down is the same direction the female will be heading, in such a situation. Everything about the toilet seat being up makes sense.
Now I won’t be so ignorant as to suggest I have just described something unknown to the female population beforehand. In fact, I refuse to believe they are unaware of the advantages of a raised toilet seat. Why, then, would they deliberately mislead the male population for all this time?
Through careful consideration, I realized this is only a small sacrifice for women compared to the mental strangle-hold it puts on men. The whole toilet-seat-down conspiracy has been entrapping males into a mental state of submission under the unconscious excuse, “Well, I just don’t understand women; they have different bathroom habits than I do.” And with such a state of mind, men have no choice but to comply to all women’s desires.
I realize, of course, that by uncovering this tightly kept secret, I am endangering my very life, since females around the world will do anything to keep this carefully guarded information from getting out. If I no longer appear on campus after this article is run, you know why. But in order to avoid such a situation, and in compliance with my unashamedly cowardly status, I am very willing to negotiate.
Clearly, females are using this toilet-seat-down ploy to keep men from doing anything they want. And I will admit, it’s working. But I also have a revelation which can appease both sides. Being a male, and by doing careful research, I have discovered that if men were allowed to do whatever they wanted, it would only consist of two things. First, watch sports 24 hours a day. This desire has been effectively remedied, thanks to ESPN. The second, and only other thing they want to do in this lifetime, is be able to leave the toilet seat up. Hard to believe that men’s desires are so simple, but if you think about it carefully, it’s even harder to believe they could be any more complex.
With this in mind, then, a general truce between the genders, agreeing on a new, toilet seat up stance, would be beneficial to both. The males would agree to remain underneath all female control and the women would share with men the convenience of an elevated toilet seat. Everyone gets what he wants, and everyone is happy.
Obviously, I’m expecting a Nobel Peace Prize for this proposition. Of course, there may be something I have overlooked, and perhaps having the toilet seat down has nothing to do with more accessible toilets, but everything to do with better looking bathrooms. I very much doubt that could be the case (nothing looks better to me when running into a bathroom than a toilet seat up). But, in the end, I certainly cannot rule out the blaring fact that I don’t understand women; they have different bathroom habits than I do.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve already missed an hour of ESPN just writing this column.
Marty Reeder is a senior majoring in English education. Any Nobel Peace Prize nominations or compliments can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu.