COLUMN: About the author, the tale of the frozen drink
No good weekly series is complete without a good ol’, hearty, “about the author” passage. Feel lucky, my dear friends, because the time has come for me to give such a ditty.
Now, most of these selected articles may highlight the life and upbringing of the said author – their hometown, past works, their family, possibly their waist size – but, in order to give you a more intimate and heartfelt detail into my life, I’ve decided to emphasize my most profound characteristic: Slurpees.
You heard me right. Slurpees.
You’re confused, aren’t you?
I can’t say I blame you, there are few people – or as I would call them “Freezebrains” – who harbor a portion of their livelihood to America’s most respected frozen drink. These people, however, are joined in tradition, pleasantry and an assortment of delicious fruity flavors.
As eerie as it sounds, the astounding thaw-less thirst-quencher has been an incredibly intricate part of my life. My first Slurpee experience spawned at the ripe age of nine. I walked hand in hand with my 13-year-old sister to the 7-Eleven a mere three blocks from our Los Angeles home, where I was introduced to a 12-ounce, cherry-flavored miracle accompanied by a remarkable yet amusing colored hybrid of straw and spoon.
I sat through sleepless nights all week thinking about my new frozen friend, much like most guys in chick flicks do after their first date with Jennifer Garner. The very next week we repeated the process, only this time the miracle became an icon as I had found the single fact that solidifies the former dark-horse as a bona fide legend: they have a Coke flavor (“It tastes just like the soda!” exclaimed my thrilled and partially rattled nine-year-old brain).
Before I knew it, I was caught in a world of mixing flavors, alternating straw designs, and the consistent hoarding of spare change we Freezebrains have come to secure as more of a lifestyle than just a tasty treat.
And I’ve never looked back.
It’s been 12 years since the beverage discovery that changed my life for the cool and refreshing better. In that time I’ve grown as a man and a Slurpee connoisseur. I’ve even got the full technique down, the sure fire way to the perfect Slurpee.
You see, it’s starts with the selection of flavors. Most great Slurpees come three-fold – you need a base flavor which takes up most of the cup’s real estate (usually soda-themed like Coke or Mountain Dew), then a good portion of your primary accessory flavor (most prefer cherry or grape, possibly banana, be creative on this one, it’s your time) and finally a dash of the secondary accessory flavor (quite frankly, it’s free game here, anything you want, just go crazy).
When properly placed in the cup, and with the right tension when turning the levers on the machine, your heart and wrist will process a golden mixture sure to numb every problem whether it is economic crisis or David Archuleta losing on American Idol.
The process of the perfect Slurpee has become a wisdom and allegory for my life, an inward edict bent on helping me become the man I am today. My experience in Freezebrain lore has taught me love, friendship, patience (have you ever tried to scrape the last bit of a Slurpee with the spoon? It takes time, my friend.), and most of all the reassurance that deep inside every troubled heart is an ice-laden lover whose only care in the world is making you happy.
Last, but certainly not least, let us never commit the sin of mistaking the Slurpee with any other second-rate frozen drink. Not just any beverage will do. If in any way your heart is taken by an Icee, Sonic Slush, Frazil, or even, heaven help me, a snow cone, do not fear. There is yet time for you to change and make better of the world you live in. There is a 7-Eleven near you, waiting for you, wishing for you to return as a frozen-drink-loving prodigal son or daughter.
Go for it. Pick the flavors you enjoy, go easy on the levers and make sure to pack the ice down and get more for your money. Twelve years of sheer enjoyment has taught me it will be an experience never forgotten.
So now you know a little more about me. I, Steve Schwartzman of Tooele, Utah, am a devout Freezebrain. Slurpees are who I am, and inside each and every one of us is the truth that to every good thing in this world there is a frozen wonder just as eager to give joy. Never let it fade away.
And, in case you were wondering, my waist size is 36.
Questions or comments can be sent to Steve at steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu.