COLUMN: Always a bridesmaid … lucky me!
Much like girls who choose not to wear heels to class in two feet of snow, I am somewhat of an anomaly here at USU. That’s because I happen to be a 21-year-old unmarried female who will be graduating without a ring on her finger.
That’s not to say I don’t have experience in the field of weddings. In fact, one of the most eventful summers in my life was one I like to refer to as “The Summer From Hell.” This is when approximately 4,000 of my closest friends and family members decided it was time to say “I do” all at once. It began with the frantic phone calls recounting “adorable” engagement stories. I do not need to tell you how many of these stories involved candlelit dinners and a walk around the LDS temple grounds. If you live in Logan you already know.
Then came the wedding planning. Each day I would cross my fingers hoping the phone call wouldn’t come. It was like the plot for a horror movie. First the shrill ring of my cell phone, followed by heavy breathing on the other end and then the words that struck fear into my heart, “Will you be my bridesmaid?” A few thousand squeals later, my fate was sealed. I was sentenced to weeks of pseudo-joy every time someone picked their colors or found the perfect flower arrangement.
This would continue as thoughts of homicide flashed through my head each time I opened the mail to find another bridal shower invitation. Haven’t spoken in three years? Apparently it doesn’t matter when it comes to making a wedding guest list. For those of you who are wondering, a bride must have at least four parties to make her wedding legitimate. A bridal shower given by friends, one given by family, a bridesmaid party and finally the bachelorette party.
Finally, there is the wedding. Oh wait, did I say finally? I meant there is a light at the end of the tunnel: However, it quickly fades to black when you realize that the wedding is only the end for the lucky bride and groom. Unfortunately, awkwardly walking down the aisle with the groom’s midget-sized second cousin is only a minuscule part of what must be done on the big day if you are a bridesmaid. I have tied bows on hundreds of chairs in 90-degree heat. I have been worked into near panic-attacks by friends who are not happy with their bouquets. I have smiled for hundreds of “artistic” wedding day photos. I have been tricked into thinking my neon pink bridesmaid dress was really something I could wear “all the time.” In the end, I learned that being a bridesmaid entails much more than my poor naive self previously thought.
This is especially true when it comes to the grand finale. The reception. You may think this is the time when everyone lets loose and celebrates the beginning of a new life together and the end of months upon months of tedious planning. You have been tricked. Instead, the wedding gods give you a nice slap in the face for watching too many chick flicks. The reception is actually a time for the brideslaves to kick it into high gear. There are tables to be set up, family members to mingle with, children to clean up after, precious moments to clap at (did she just shove cake into his mouth? Hilarious! So clever!), bouquets to pretend like you want to catch, heartfelt toasts to make and guest books to man. As each bride tries to make reception bigger and better, the bridesmaids are the ones left shooting eye daggers like it’s an Olympic event. If you’re lucky you will get a “Thank you” from the misty-eyed mother of the bride.
Although I love my friends and am happy they found someone who makes this whole tedious process worth it, the suppressed feelings of rage which eventually cause your friends to resent you on your wedding day are why I plan on getting hitched in Vegas, drive-thru chapel style (sorry, Mom). Thankfully, most of my friends are over the wedding phase and have moved on to having children. I can’t wait to start planning their baby showers – would you like my kidney along with with that adorable pink/blue onesie?
Amanda Mears is a senior majoring in print journalism. Questions or comments can be sent to her at amanda.m@aggiemail.usu.edu