COLUMN: Anesthesia has its perks
Anesthesia has its perks
So many of my friends are afraid of surgery because they fear anesthesia. They go through their lives with chronically sore feet, gimpy knees and plastic-surgery-free facades simply because the don’t want to go under. What’s not to like about being unconscious and nearly naked in a room full of strangers and sharp objects? You wake up in a strange place after an undetermined amount of time and have to check the itemized bill from the hospital to find out what actually happened.
I know putting it that way makes anesthesia sound bad, but so is waking life sometimes.
If you have not done so, you really do need to try anesthesia. Not that numb-faced nitrous oxide kind you get at the dentist; but the full lights-out wake-me-with-a-defibrillator kind. Despite what the psychics say, it is the closest to a near-death experience you are going to find.
I’d venture to say that anesthesia should be more widely available to help us through the more difficult times of life. Why not? We already anesthetize ourselves with low grade drugs such as alcohol, network television and repetitive religious rituals. These are dangerous because they are administered in uncertain dosages and are generally unregulated by the scientific community. Real anesthetic products, certified by genuine medical school graduates, would be both more cost effective and safer.
Do you have a difficult decision to make? Are you getting divorced, evicting a tenant or breaking up with a formerly loved one? Do it under anesthesia. Just say “I hope we can still remain friends” and then immediately go under anesthesia. This allows all parties to cool off without all those nasty confrontations. You wake up and the object of your ire is done packing and out the door.
Safety tip: If you are living alone while under anesthesia make sure the dogs and cats have plenty of extra food. Nothing ruins a restful anesthetic experience like waking up to find that your extremities have been nibbled on.
Also, don’t forget to multitask. If you can talk on a cell phone and eat Chinese noodles while you drive, certainly there are other things you can do while you are just laying there unconscious. Don’t waste that anesthesia experience; plan a number of other painful, unpleasant things to be done while you’re taking your deep nap. The possibilities are endless: get a tattoo, have a body part pierced, have your teeth cleaned and your colonoscopy done all at once, though hopefully by separate practitioners. There are also a number of other, less invasive, life events that go better under anesthesia, such as filing taxes, family reunions and pancake breakfasts.
Do yourself a favor and make life easier for those around you. Try anesthesia.
Dennis Hinkamp says he has voluntarily gone under anesthesia five…no wait…six times.