COLUMN: Answers for surprise class question
Once again, as a new semester starts, we come to the realization that we are all over our heads, and by now your professors have all managed to convince you that passing their classes will be impossible.
So now we have only to ask ourselves, who was that blasted counselor in high school that told me I should drop my dreams of being a pirate and get a higher education?
Though I’m sure practically all of you agree with me, I don’t doubt some of you right now are thinking, “Oh well, by now it’s too late to become a pirate.” Don’t be ridiculous. It is never too late to be a pirate, and in order to quell any more arguments of the like, I have decided to hold my own course this semester called, PIRATING 1040. While it is not yet sponsored by the university … I repeat, not yet … I can guarantee a hard-nosed course that will make a beginning pirate out of the most docile of students.
For those of you immediately interested in the class, allow me to give you some quick, preliminary information. First of all, the required books for the class will be Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson, the Junior Deluxe Edition along with Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson, the Dover Thrift Edition as well as La Isla de Tesoro by Robert Louis Stevenson, the Santillana S.A. Edition. While technically those three editions are the “same” story, bear in mind that the Junior Deluxe Edition has many valuable illustrations, the Dover Thrift Edition has pirate flags on the front cover and the Santillana S.A. Edition will teach you how to say, “Them that die’ll be the lucky ones,” in Spanish. Besides just the books, you will be required to bring your own cutlass to class (machetes, though not encouraged, are acceptable), and a big part of the final grade in the course will be based on how often you incorporate the term ARRRRRRR into your daily vocabulary.
However, I do understand that there might be those of you out there who are not yet cut out for life as a pirate. Those people can be identified by their common usage of the boorish phrase, “honest day’s work” (you know who you are). If that is the case, then do not despair. I have provided another method that will help you to survive the rigors of normal college classes; it is what I term, “Emergency Answers for College.”
Allow me to explain. Let us say that you are in your classroom, sleeping, daydreaming or doodling to your heart’s content when the professor interrupts you and demands an answer to a question you couldn’t possibly answer (whether because you weren’t listening, you didn’t read the book or you are offended by questions challenging your intellect … pretty much any question). This puts you in a tight fix and a potentially embarrassing situation. I mean really, do your professors actually expect you to pay attention in class? Apparently so, but luckily that is where Emergency Answers for College pulls through.
Though I do have written down the top 10 answers to give for any given topic and class you might be in, I am still waiting for that to go through with my publisher. So, in this case, I have provided you with a general list that should be applicable in any classroom on campus. So when you find yourself confronted by an attention-starved professor feel free to whip out this article and choose any of the given responses. Here are the top 10 answers in no particular order of effectiveness:
1. I would definitely have to say, yes. (If the professor looks at you blankly, try answering, no. If that doesn’t help, quickly excuse yourself to the bathroom and never return.)
2. In the spirit of class participation, I’d like to throw that question out to some of my colleagues here.
3. Yo no hablo ingles. (Any language is acceptable.)
4. You know, that’s a good question … how do you think you would answer it?
5. Have I told you how well that haircut looks on you? (You may want to modify this response for all bald professors.)
6. You know, with all of the problems in the world today, do you really think a relatively insignificant question like that is entirely appropriate?
7. Not to change the subject, but why do you think some people are REALLY boring?
8. Whoah! What’s with all the questions? I thought we put an end to the Spanish Inquisition.
9. I think what you are trying to refer to is an even deeper question … such as the question as to why you are so underappreciated as an educator.
10. Oh, I’m sorry, is this (insert subject)? I was looking for PIRATING 1040.
Now I would never dream of giving you these emergency answers if I wasn’t sure they did not work perfectly, so let me assure you that in every class I’ve used them, they have more than exceeded my expectations. Of course my expectations were to not get arrested after saying them. But even if these answers do fail you, and your expectations have nothing to do with getting arrested, you can always pull out your cutlass and say, “Methinks I won’t be answering that question of yers … ARRRRR!”
Marty Reeder is a senior majoring in history education. Comments or admission applications to PIRATING 1040 can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu.