COLUMN: Ask Miss Jones, April 7

Dear Miss Jones,

    So I am dating this very beautiful woman and everything is going just fine. Then last Sunday, she dumped me. I had no idea it was coming. She says that she is breaking up with me and enacting a no-contact policy for two weeks so she can get her feelings in order, then have a closure talk with me. The past few days have been really rough, to say the least. I think she might have done it because I just put my papers in to serve an LDS mission and doesn’t want to “distract” me. What should I do or say at this closure-talk thing? I still really like her, and I don’t want to lose her forever.

Sincerely, Broken Hearted Stud

Dear Broken Hearted Stud,

    I’m sorry to hear that you got dumped, but I can’t say I blame her – missionaries are bad news. I dated a boy back when missions lasted more like three years. He was called to serve in Australia, and I told him it was pointless to try to help those British criminals, but he insisted and left anyway. I was brokenhearted. I had dated him for three weeks and planned to marry him. When he left, I was just a mess: crying, eating two gallons of cherry chocolate Aggie Ice Cream a day and refusing to leave my room. I was only 16 at the time and it was the first time I had felt the warmth of a man’s touch. I wrote him every day. Because it took him three months to get to his location, he had six pounds of letters waiting for him when he arrived. He wrote me back every couple days at the beginning, then once a week. Finally I got a letter that was three sentences long. It read: “Dear Miss Jones, please stop writing me. I don’t love you, I love Catherine Omann. Once again, please, please, please leave me alone.”
    Catherine Omann … that sexist tramp. How I despise her. Catherine was my next door neighbor and was jealous that I was dating him. After I recovered from crying and made sure I looked super hot, I walked over to Catherine’s house and gave her a beat down she’ll never forget.
    I don’t like missionaries. Every time I see one in Cache Valley, I hiss and throw the dregs of my Wendy’s shake at them.
    This woman of yours sounds smart. I’ve always admired a person who can stick to the no-contact policy. I, for one, don’t have the strength or a weak-enough sex drive to go through the pre-allotted time off. I always crack. If you think you love her and can’t live without her, then do something kind of stalkerish: go outside her window, burn a heart in her grass and sing “When a Man Loves a Woman” by Percy Sledge at the top of your lungs.

    Good luck and remember: “With as many times as Miss Jones has been around the block, her directions must be good.”

E-mail your questions to be answered by Miss Jones to statesman.miss.jones@gmail.com or find her on Facebook.