COLUMN: Attack of the topless tree huggers
Just when you thought it was safe to be a lumberjack, a new anti-logging tactic has emerged that makes previous acts of eco-terrorism pale by comparison. Last week the newest weapon in an aggressive guerrilla campaign against logging was unleashed on a crew of unwitting timber harvesters: a lunatic pack of topless female eco-poets.
Long ago, in a more innocent time, it was actually cool to be a lumberjack. Trees were just nuisances that cluttered up America’s skyline and the men who cleared them were the stuff of legends. But all good things must come to an end. Sometime between Paul Bunyan’s era and today, somebody decided we were running out of trees.
Luckily, those same people were all unemployed, and since Vietnam was over, they had plenty of extra time on their hands. Donning their corduroy slacks and waffle-stompers, they painted over their “make love not war” signs and went off to hassle the loggers. Thus, the modern environmental movement was born. I’m not really sure how they went from spiking trees to stripping, but for once I like where this movement is going.
The protesters, nine in all, stopped traffic and disrupted logging for two hours by belly dancing (topless) and, get this, reciting poetry to the loggers. But it wasn’t just any poetry. It was, according to the protesters, “Goddess-based, nude Buddhist guerilla poetry.”
Somebody pinch me. If they keep this up, it just might be cool to be a logger again. These guys have now joined the elite rank of men who don’t have to pay for strippers. If they had an unlimited budget and a slot on C-Span, they could be politicians.
But I digress. Let’s get back to the “Goddess-based, nude Buddhist guerrilla poetry.” I can’t seem to get enough of writing that. If you’re anything like I was, you’re just dying to know what affect it had on the hapless loggers. According to head goddess Dona Nieto – who also goes by the name “La Tigresa” – “the loggers and cops were absolutely stunned.” Just imagine the scene – loggers and cops trapped in a crossfire of poetry from eco-poets with their breasts set on stun.
Another goddess who calls herself Maple, exclaimed that she was surprised to see how agreeable the men were when confronted by topless women. Seriously Maple, where have you been? Is this your first time in the forest? These are loggers we’re talking about – sweaty, lonely loggers.
All kidding aside, the protesters did accomplish their goal. I’m not sure about the poetry, but the nudity certainly did the trick. Logging was halted, for a little while anyway, and the environmentalist’s message was broadcast around the world by the media, who can be counted upon to cover anything involving topless women.
In the end, nobody got hurt. The women weren’t even arrested – ensuring, I suppose, that they’ll continue to entertain the lonely loggers in the future. Who knows, maybe in the long run this could foster a symbiotic relationship between the timber industry and environmentalists that will somehow benefit the trees. Probably not, but I guess we’ll always have the goddess poetry.