COLUMN: Authorities scurry to contain chaotic prison break
Well, I’ve had just about enough of everyone’s complaining around here. Every day all I seem to hear are disgruntled comments about too much pollution, too few snowplows, crappy campus computing networks, or something about the lack of a Portuguese minor. Stop whining y’all! It could be much worse.
That’s right, coughing a lot for three consecutive weeks is one thing, but imagine if all of a sudden and without warning (much like the onslaught of a wet willy), your appliances spontaneously caught fire and burned down your house. Now imagine this happening when you have no power in your house and the appliances are unplugged. Now there’s a gripe-worthy cause.
The small Sicilian town of Canneto di Caronia has battled this bizarre problem since mid-January, where dozens of electrical goods and furniture have mysteriously burst into flames. After experiencing these unusual phenomena, at least 40 residents have been temporarily evacuated from their homes. Local authorities with apparently no bright ideas for explaining the events have finally decided that demons must have magically burned up their possessions.
Personally, I think it would be pretty dang funny if all of a sudden things started blowing up or catching fire. Maybe the microwave would suddenly combust two seconds before your pesky roommate enjoys a state of popcorn bliss. Even better, the dude sitting in the bathroom stall next to you might unexpectedly get launched over the door and land face first in a urinal. Call me a demon, but I don’t care who you are, that’s funny. Unless it were something like FFZzrrchhhtt … ZAP! Oh crap, my
computer!
*panicked splashing*
Whew, crisis averted – although now there’s Fierce Grape Gatorade all over the screen. Hang on a sec.
*vigorous squeegee*
So anyway, stop complaining about all of the dumb things that happen to us in little Logan, Utah. Whatever you do, don’t bug me about this coming Saturday’s festivity. It’s not all about red, pink, and chocolate adventures. For me, Feb. 14 is Ferris Wheel Day as celebrated in recognition of George Ferris’ invention of the Ferris wheel in 1893.
Every year when millions of people are “getting some” in mid February, I prefer to tour the globe in the search of a new, and exciting Ferris wheel to ride. Well, actually I’ve never pilgrimaged; Blaine and John just told me to use their excuse for not having dates on Saturday.
Celebrating unconventional holidays during the year can be very rewarding. I actually have had a fantastic time reveling this February, otherwise known as Snack Food Month. Ironically I just found out that this week marks Cardiac Rehabilitation Week. I’m not saying the Snack Food Association and the American Association of Cardiovascular and Pulmonary Rehabilitation planned this evil “coincidence,” but boy it sure looks suspect.
I guess that if I never took the time to laugh at circumstances and have fun instead of being eternally pessimistic like some folks, then I guess I’d hate it here in Logan, too. There’s always a bright side of any situation. For example, no matter how much I dislike the snow, I can always use it for amusement and to maim any wearers of those annoying, fleece jester hats.
I sure hope Thomas Marcinko of Zanesville, Ohio has a pretty good sense of humor. Last Thursday while driving through Pearisburg, Va., his van slipped on an icy patch of highway, lost control, and overturned upon hitting a guardrail. Here’s the clincher: 700 various species of rodents, including mice, gerbils, and rats were being transported in the back of the van.
Forever restrained by their tiny habitats, hundreds of small animals seized the opportunity and made a break for freedom. Much like Spartacus and his slave buddies, these animals, backed by a platoon of chinchillas, probably had been working on evasive escape procedures for months leading up to the “accident.” Encouraged by a shrill “Weep, weep!” trumpeting from the head guinea pigs, Ralf and Lucy, the numberless concourses of rodents fled the scene immediately.
They most likely kept running until they either froze or had a few “problems” with the next Mack truck barreling down the road. I imagine most of the animals were recaptured, at least the ones who were content on sticking around the crash site, chewing on the vehicle wiring. No matter what actually happened in this incident, I’d wager Marcinko never complained. He probably couldn’t stop laughing at the local police department dispatch calls to aid in returning peace to the town of Pearisburg.
If spring semester at Utah State makes you blue, stop grumbling and turn that frown upside down. Take my advice: Have a tasty SFA-sanctioned goodie and blow up someone’s dishwasher. I’ve never felt better.
When not writing or studying engineering Garrett Wheeler enjoys riding on Ferris wheels with a package of Goldfish. In a completely unrelated matter, date ideas for Blaine and John can be sent to wheel@cc.usu.edu.