COLUMN: Avoid false urgency in marriage decisions
Welcome to the 2012 school year, and with it, another semester of Lizzen Up. I’d like to send a very personal thank-you to my kind and thoughtful supporters; and to the rest of you, the assurance that you only have to suffer skipping over my section until December when I graduate.
I hope you had a wonderful summer. Not that you care, but I certainly did. I got a very cute (and now very large) Newfoundland puppy, bought a new car as an almost-graduation gift to myself, and, perhaps most importantly, made the leap of moving in with my boyfriend.
Since we’ve moved in, the word “marriage” has cropped up from family and friends incessantly. Each time, I answer the inquiry with a very firm no. That’s always followed with a shocked, “Do you not like him enough?” and I can’t help but laugh.
I’m not very old, but I like to consider myself at least a little wise; and at the risk of coming off as an expository bag of hot air, I want to say a word or two concerning dating and marriage. Rest assured, I like my boyfriend plenty, but we’re not going to get married. There are several reasons why.
College is probably the most singular opportunity in which to date. You are literally surrounded on all sides by members of whichever sex you find yourself attracted to, you are unrestricted by parental boundaries, there is an endless supply of fun things to do and you are guaranteed to find someone who thinks like you do.
That being said, my number one piece of advice is this: Slow down. You have at least four years of this environment at your disposal, and campus will never run out of potential dates. Use this time as a precious opportunity to observe what you like and dislike, both about yourself and others around you.
Then, get out and do something. Or several things. We all know boys and girls who sit around and mope about the fact that they aren’t in a relationship. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, because nobody gives a four-letter word about people like that. They’re obnoxious and pathetic. Find something you really love to do, and get good at it; then seek someone who’s done the same.
Next: If you think more about the wedding than you do about life after the wedding, don’t get married. A graduate dissertation published by Pacific University indicated that event-driven relationships were far less likely to succeed. Your wedding day is just that: a day. That’s it. You go home that night with sore feet, a stained dress, and some cake in the freezer for next year.
Girls in particular – finish your education. Women are much more likely to drop out of college once they get married. Considering the fact that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, is not having a college degree a risk you want to take?
Once you find that someone, wait longer. If he or she is right for you after six months of dating, they’ll be right in another year and a half. The most successful marriages tend to follow an average of twenty-five months of courtship. Second-guessing your partner is not something you want to do, but we all know that couple who probably should not have gotten married.
Part of this is realizing that you might be in love, but you also might just be horny. Many people want to rush their wedding because controlling sexual urges is difficult. I won’t argue with that. But there’s bad news: for most people, wedding night sex is uncomfortable and awkward. It takes a long time to figure out the nuances of another person’s mind and body. Rushing into a long-term commitment because it’s too hard to refrain from the hanky-panky is certain to end in disappointment.
And remember that world is not over if you’re not married by the end of college. The average person in the nation is married at 26, and often as late as 30. Don’t stay in a bad relationship, or even a mediocre one, out of fear that someone better won’t come along. They will. It’s hard to be lonely, but it’s well worth the patience.
Finally, enjoy whatever time you choose to spend with someone. Chad and I aren’t getting married because, among other reasons, we both graduate in December. He’s going to medical school somewhere, and I’m going to take a lowly job as an unpaid intern somewhere else. Living with your partner may not be the best option for you; but undercutting the value of a relationship simply because it doesn’t lead to marriage may prevent you from some of the most meaningful relationships you’ll ever have.
Liz Emery is a senior majoring in English with an emphasis in creative writing. Her column runs every other Thursday. Comments may be sent to her at liz.emery@yahoo.com. Comments may also be sent to statesmanoffice@aggiemail.usu.edu.