COLUMN: Back to the ’50s
My parents are reasonable people who have lived through not only a couple wars but also my teen years and a flirtation with eastern religions. Still, last week they informed me that they ran out to the store to buy enough duct tape and plastic drop cloths to put the house into a large sandwich bag. I’m not exactly sure how they are supposed to do this and stay in the house at the same time, but everyone likes to be part of the effort.
This is progress? Back in the 1950s you could buy plans for below- or above-ground bomb shelters, or you could look for those black and yellow signs that led you to safe havens such as the school cafeteria and the basement of the local courthouse.
Now we have a security plan based on materials you could use for home improvement projects after the security alert goes permanently down to green.
Wow, in 53 years we have gone all the way from duck and cover to duct and cover.
Not many people are old enough to remember Bert, the lovable turtle that was the star of Civil Defense films that showed children what to do in case of a nuclear bomb blast. He comically ambled along in that 1950 pre-Dreamworks animation and ducked into this shell when there was an explosion. He advised children to do the best they could without a shell. And really, that is what we all look for in a defense strategy — cartoon characters.
This is all kind of gruesome, considering that we dropped two such bombs in 1945 and had a pretty good idea that duck and cover would do about as much good as the umbrella did the Willey Coyote when a cartoon anvil was dropped on him.
It wasn’t until the late ’60s we abandoned duck and cover for Henry Kissinger and the domino theory. After that I think it was nuclear deterrence, Jimmy Carter, economic incentives and Star Wars technology. There was no less reason to duck and cover, we were just both more realistic and more cynical about ground zero.
So it can’t help but give one pause that the new Homeland Security secretary Tom Ridge is suggesting that duct tape and plastic drop cloths are going to do something about the next attack. After all, these are the same people X-raying shoes and taking away toenail clippers at the airport. If Ridge had everyone wear Hazmat suits or rush to the nearest cave it might make more sense. However, as much as I like duct tape, this seems like a step back to some sort of 1950s.
So maybe Bert the turtle would be a cool retro representative. Bert says, “When you see a bomb, just be calm and put up duct tape with your mom.”
Dennis Hinkamp’s column appears every Friday in The Statesman. Comments can be sent to slightlyoffcenter@attbi.com.