COLUMN: Bad movies to fill the semester’s final days

    Consider me the acting voice of the Utah State University campus when I exclaim, “Charizard’s tail, it’s April already?!”

    Man, time sure floats when you’re having … etc. All of a sudden we’re faced with the mother of all stressful months.

    I, of course am speaking of the study-laden, head-pounding, event-wielding, finals-gearing, hunger-paining, snow-drifting monster month of April – the month that comes in like a lion and, at least for college students, comes out like a much bigger and angrier robotic lion with minion piranhas.

    Yes, yes, sometimes it’s tough to endure, but let me assure you there are several ways to bust the stress and keep strong until we can put this semester behind us and move on to greener pastures and weeks of relaxing and nervously gallivanting town searching for any place that will hire seasonal employees.

    In case you’re having trouble thinking of ideas, here’s a quick suggestion. In my experience nothing clears the pressure-beaten mind much like sitting down and enjoying a good film. If you haven’t given it a shot, trust me, it works. In fact it works so well I’m confident there is only one single better option: sitting down to enjoy a very, very BAD film. Anyone with a Netflix account can attest to the beauty of terrible cinema, and if you’re looking for some good examples, here are five:

    5. “Sharkboy and Lavagirl” – This cult-children’s flick, originally intended for 3D, fits into the famous “when good kids-mystery films go bad” movie genre. In this film you’ll join Max, a child dreamer who sleeps and dreams in class, dreams at home and possibly dreams in the tub, in dreaming up the perfect dreamy dream world, commonly known as, I’m dead serious, Planet Drool.

    Max’s dreams take a shocking dreamturn overtime as his two dream-laden superheroes, Sharkboy and Lavagirl, come to Earth in hopes Max will join them on the journey of saving Planet Drool with his wild and heroic imagination. Five words to prove the film’s quality: “Land of Milk and Cookies.” ‘Nuff said.

    4. “Eegah” – Now, I’ll be frank, I’ve only seen 10-15 minutes’ worth of this film, and can’t quite remember what it’s about, and the funny thing is, that’s the number one reason to watch this movie. Basically the movie cycles between this girl trying to find her dad after he is kidnapped by some Sasquatchie-type thing and her boyfriend wooing her with his guitar skills. There’s a chance the 80 minutes of the film I haven’t seen is cinematic quality, but let’s not bet on it.

    3. “Santa Conquers the Martians” – You heard me right. Go ahead, read the title again. No, I’m serious, this movie exists! Now, I’d give you a full synopsis of the film except … well … I’ve never seen it. So why should you watch it? C’mon, for the strength of the hills READ THE TITLE! If this puppy isn’t gold I don’t know what is.

    2. “Kazaam” – So, this movie is about Shaquille O’Neal as an urban rapping genie. Yep, that’s about it. Here’s the crux – it’s AWESOME! It’s as awkward as can be imagined and may have the greatest free-rhymed movie line of all time, “Let’s green egg and ham it!”

    1. “Troll 2” – Holy crap … I mean, holy crap. This movie is, just … holy crap. It is a little hard to explain. The Utah-filmed cult-classic transcender is a story of a family that travels to the small town of Nilbog, an average micro-nugget with no oddities – except for the fact that there are people who become vegetarian goblins who turn tourists into plants and eat them.

    This flick covers all the basics. Plotline: bad. Acting: horrendous. Cinematography: painful. Director: doesn’t speak English. If nothing else, this films deserves a spot on this list because a documentary was made on it literally entitled “Best Worst Movie.” And the best part about this movie? There isn’t a “Troll1”! Priceless! I’m telling you, it’s epic. Watch it. Now.

    I’d finish this smoothly but I’m out of word space. Sauerkraut.

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