COLUMN: Bald like Mike
All sort of writers, newscasters and couch-bound sports spuds have been dribbling all over themselves throwing up anemic bricks and flaccid air balls trying to describe Michael Jordan’s comeback.
They are all missing the big picture. Yeah, so he can dunk and shoot like no other. So he has sold a billion pairs of basketball shoes even though there are only about a million basketball players. This is just a bunch of accounting and sports drivel.
He has truly helped all mankind. And, I mean “mankind” in the full sexist brunt of the word. Jordan made it cool for men to be bald and wear earrings. This contribution doesn’t show up in the stats, but it is of incalculable benefit.
You can’t cure baldness because it is not a disease. Next to the necktie, hair has to be one of the dumbest social conventions men have ever fallen victim to. All manner of lard-butt, smoking, wheezing, 100-yard-run-from-a-heart-attack gene pool pollutants have been able to claim superiority by saying “well at least I don’t have a receding hairline” – like this was something they had control over.
I’ve seen personal ads stating “looking for a man who still has a full head of hair.” Someone like say, “Charles Manson?” I think.
Yes, I know that men’s personal ads are even more explicit and trite, but if women want to reduce this to revenge motives, the argument could go on forever.
Mike, who could have afforded his own team of hair replacement surgeons and pharmacists, took the more sensible route and just shaved off what was left. Right now I am sure the marketing guys at the big toupee conglomerates are coming up with an idea for the Michael Jordan anti-toupee – sort of a fake bald toupee that you could put over your hair so you could try out the look before taking a razor to your scalp.
Though bald heads can be cool, no earlobe should be left naked to the world. Wearing an earring does not make you the genie on the front of the old Mr. Clean bottles, nor is it an indicator of your sexual preference. Normal, middle class guys being able to wear earrings has eliminated yet another barrier in the battle of the sexes. Now we can shop together. It is, after all, easier and far more socially acceptable to share earrings than underwear.
Welcome back Mike. I can even forgive the fact that you fouled both Karl Malone and Bryon Russell on the way to the last-second shot that led to your second retirement and the Jazz’s last hope at a title.