COLUMN: Being a little nervous about dating is perfectly natural
It turns out most people don’t really like to date, although it is a necessary stepping stone we come upon with determination, dread or even fear. As much as we all want a person to eventually love and understand us, there is a certain element of Russian roulette in dating. Did you draw a blank? Is this person smart and funny? Will this date go down in bad-date history? You just never really know.
Believe it or not, having a fear of dating is a real condition called sarmassophobia, and some of the symptoms you may experience are social anxiety, fear of sexual intimacy and fear of rejection.
While I don’t think it would be wise to go around saying you have sarmassophobia as an excuse to keep from dating, I guarantee everyone suffers from one or two of those symptoms.
Too many people find themselves in the comfort of their own homes curled up with a blanket and Netflix instead of going out and being social because it’s easier and a lot of people actually fear social settings. But you never remember your best day of Netflix. You have to get out of your comfort zone and put yourself out there. Go ahead and risk looking stupid, risk feeling out of place and risk finding the person of your dreams.
However, sometimes dating seems too risky because you are too emotionally tender to take any risk at all. You might have just had a difficult breakup. After that, any risk will seem like too much, and you just have to take time off and heal.
The scary thing about dating is that it will either end in loss or rejection, a breakup or a committed, long-term relationship.
I was talking with someone the other day who wrote this down for me, and I thought there was a lot of truth to it: “A man’s ego and pride will have him running through a red light. A woman’s fears and insecurities will have her stopping at a green one. We’re all so used to the games that we don’t even know how to genuinely connect with one another anymore. She got played, so now she avoids getting close. He got played, so now all he does is play games. We’re more concerned with how we got hurt than we are with how to be happy. The only thing most are learning from pain is more excuses. And some of us could be so great for another if we’d just man up and face things. Love isn’t hard… people are just difficult.”
If we all could just make an effort to get over our fears and help each other out by being honest and understanding, it would save a lot of grief for everyone involved. In order to get over our fears, I’ve come up with a few steps that could help beat that fearful thinking and find someone special.
First, Keep your negativity bias in check. Just because you may have dated a few people who turned out to be jerks doesn’t mean everyone is a jerk. But as long as you continue to believe they are, you won’t find a good person to date who meets your criteria. Accept the fact that there are more good people out there also looking for a relationship than there are jerks ready to break your heart. The odds are in your favor.
Next, know where to go to look for someone to date. Many people find dates at a dance or a party, but think about why that person may be there. The reason they may be there could be ambiguous, and the quality of that person may be lacking. Online dating is indefinite, while Tinder is anonymous. Consider getting involved in activities you already enjoy doing, which will ensure you meet like-minded people. It also eliminates anxiety that can come with a more formal dating scenario or dating service.
And lastly, start meeting people. Get out there and have fun. You’ll never know until you try, right?